the lump in my throat

On Monday January 16th I met a coworker for the first time in our Seattle office. On Monday afternoon January 23rd her ex-boyfriend shot and killed her then killed him self in front of police and her 15 year old daughter. I didn’t know her personally but it affected me. It affected me in that way that seemed surprising. At least for me anyway.

I’ve been living life the last few years with a lump in my throat. It’s constant I always know it’s there. Then something like this happens and it grows a little. And I wonder, how am I going to manage it? How do I not cry all the time?

How have we come to this place?

I can’t wrap my head around much these days. I don’t understand how or why humans aren’t taking care of each other? I can’t wrap my head around why people, because of race, because of religion or because of differences, hate. Yes, it feels like hate. And how did that seep into the White House with a man who by his actions, is full of fear and hatred, no diplomacy, disrespectful and to say the least troubling beyond a level of comprehension. My opinion of course.

I also can’t wrap my head around how so many are so easily pulled down a narrow, fact less world and make or take opinion facts and push on completely blind to the reality. Your opinion is just that if it is not based on fact. Why do I see hate in their anger?

One action, one incident does not a person make. Are you ready for that? But character? Now that is a different concept. And we do seem to have a skewed perception of character, “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual”.

Many a friend on Facebook have taken to the streets, taken to calling Senator’s, writing letters, making phone calls, all in an effort to save and preserve the rights that so many before us worked so hard for. I am too, and I will not stop. And yet this seems to be lost on many. Yes, even giving you the right to spread and invoke the demoralizing hate and lies you will so easily share as truth.

I fear we have left respect in the past. We care not about our neighbor, our foe. Our humanity is in flux. Somehow it’s become, I am the way.

Currently, in my opinion, we have the most unbelievably disrespectful, unpopular individual with no diplomatic experience or understanding leading us where? I find nothing distinctive about his character. Some of your work to divert attention by your continued hatred of our last president or the past with blatant lies is old and tired, the anger is useless and a bit ugly. It feels like an acknowledgement of your fear and lack of interest in understanding in the bigger picture. It is a ‘yuge’ pile of lies coming from the likes of individuals most of us wish still only existed in movies and bad television. Attempting to divert everyone’s attention from what this man is actually doing to our country, good luck. There are many watching, reading and paying more attention than you are. Many who whether you want to believe it or not are fighting for you as well. We all have too much access and are too smart to be victim of a gaslighting and have much to lose.

The falsehoods and blatant lies that continue to be feed will get us nowhere. I questions true intentions along with the potential demise of our basic rights and freedoms. These things that some share, says more about them than I think they realize. Your freedoms are at risk more than you understand. They may align with your opinion, this does not make them right for the greater population or the greater good. Denigration should not be a course of action.

I don’t like a lot of things that a lot of people do or say, but I don’t hate any one. And this I do not understand, this I don’t think I want to understand. How is it that we can departmentalize and not take care of everyone, only those some/you “deem” worthy. Are you okay with being unworthy? Are you okay with being on a list? I’m not. Therefore, I will do everything in my power to continue to support all humans without judgement, to be able to be and feel safe, to have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh, and no longer read the comments sections of articles I read. My heart can’t take it.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing,” Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” I chose grace, compassion and love. I choose us, not just me. The world is bigger than the small space I am in.

I will keep that lump in my throat as my barometer for love and compassion. And thank my mother and my father for raising me with the grace of a compassionate Gods love.


Leave a Reply