Sometimes you try to do just the best that you can. Sometimes you just do what you think is best. Sometimes you give a bit too much. You attempt a balance. And then you realize that the world is full of … of … well, PEOPLE! And one person of no significance is a straw that breaks or weakens the camel’s back.
Yes, I know. I “let” them get me. I think maybe if I had an agenda, things would be different. But I don’t have that kind of drive. These “people”, these character’s that surround me. These people that test my resolve, my contribution …
I just want to walk away!
I think I’m caught in the middle of this place. I live in Oregon, the most passive aggressive place on the planet. Sorry, but its’ true. Besides, around here…who’s going to challenge that? Really?
I was born in Missouri, and I’ve traveled to almost every state. So I think that travel has created within me a balance of the passive and the aggressive. I would not say that I am aggressive at all. God I hope not. If you think I am, tell me and I’ll fix that right away. But I’m not passive either. Life is a bit too short, actually. There is nothing wrong with a straight yes or no.
It is an odd place to be. Kind of in this place that could be a world of options open and ready for me. And everyone passively thinking about maybe responding to my interests in these options.
Then again, the options seem slim to none. I think more than anything, the problem is I’m not interested in the options. I like a lot of things that I have done. I have some well-crafted skills and experience. But none of them are strong enough to move me into something new. Or even where I’ve been for that matter? I know, strange huh?
I would be remiss if I said that anything about what I’ve done or what I think I can do holds any interest at all for me. I said in a previous post that I do nothing better than anyone I think I know. I know that some people don’t believe me when I say that or they say, you would be board to tears. Boredom doesn’t bring me to tears.
In the truest since of the word I have done ‘nothing’ for the last 10 months. At least in my opinion, what most people would qualify as nothing. I’ve read, updated Twitter and Facebook, read about Twitter and Facebook. Watched the news, listened to music, gone to coffee shops and attempted to write. Or finish that novel I started last November. Drop out of the social media scene temporarily and wrote more. (Dropping again by the way! PEOPLE!) I’ve been in a couple of classes at PSU, a few Friday’s here and there. Social Media Club meetups, AIGA events, cleaned out some closets, storage and dumped a bunch of stuff at charities.
So that seems really not like nothing, but in my 48 year old brain, I haven’t done anything because I don’t have a paying job. And more than anything if I could figure out a way to swing it, I would not have a job. I would continue to do just what I have been doing. But no one is going to pay me to do nothing.
All this stuff I’ve done, I’ve done on my own time, my own schedule. No one has said, I need this now or I need this, period. Or what have you done this week? What are your numbers? What’s your plan for next week? …nothing.