don't speak...don't speak!

heart space

I can’t allow her to have space in my head. But in my heart, I give her space because the memory of her pain from the past is an imprint she can’t reshape or move past. She is caught between the soul journey’s right here on earth. More than a rock and a hard place. She moves a step or two forward, the fear settles in, returns and snaps her back to the wound and she lashes out or covers herself in armor in an attempt to heal and she only deepens it.

“the wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi

For her the light burns, it irritates and is a constant reminder of what she can’t let go. When she knows that is what will allow her to move forward.

It’s because of this that my heart weeps for her and allows that space for comfort, clarity, and safety. Even if indirectly.

It’s most likely that she is unaware. It’s likely that she is self-protecting so much that she can’t imagine that space, imagine it is for her and the space she takes is a shallow replica of what she thinks is her place of peace and harmony.

How would any of us have navigated?

How would any of us survive it? Have we?

How could we not at some level trust him to move through it in his way and to honor that for his sake? To trust him, his heart to move through as he did?

How could we be so selfish to doubt and create or participate in the wake, the wave of emotion that has us where we are today? To project our pain and fear onto another.

We all lost something, but who lost the most should not have been a determent or deterrent to a life of love moving through. Moving forward, not on but simply forward.

I know we did the best we could in the circumstances. If we all had been supportive and inclusive with open arms and true open hearts, would that support have been the fertile soil, the solid foundation to create a space of peace, contentment and unconditional love and a new joy?

We have a great division. A space to find, a separation, loss again and two young souls who lost their blood and two who have lost an example of how a man could and should be in a relationship. One that through all the challenges, brought wholehearted unconditional love to space.

In reality, it’s not or won’t be a huge split or division. But for the two youngest the impact is yet fully revealed from the first loss and now this one. How do we support that? How do we apologize for this one? Or even help explain it?

How do we own our contribution to the result of today? How will we answer these questions?

I don’t know the answer. I don’t have the answers. I have skin in the game as well. You don’t have to agree with me on any of this, but this is where I am and have been. It’s not been easy, but it is where I am and where I need to be.

Pain – we didn’t allow for collective grief. We tip-toed around some and not around others. For the most part, some of us kept it to ourselves or used it as a way to hide and lash out. We thought no one feels as I do. And that may have been true, but together couldn’t we have worked through it with love, understanding, and compassion together?

Of course, anger is part of grief. But I feel that in some instances was misplaced and placed where it had no business being placed. On innocent bystanders just trying to move through it as well. I truly believe that it would, has not made any of us feel better.

She is lost like many of us are. Maybe her wounds are deep maybe not. But we can’t expect her to deal with them in any other way than how she does. She does not understand this for herself or for others, yet. She will be harder on herself in some instances and her reaction to others will be in defense and with intensity because it’s all she’s known.

She is a young soul, so is either a child or probably a rebellious teenager. She doesn’t have the confidence to seek out teachers who will feed her completely. Here she is cautious and sells herself short. Even the ones she has, or I think she has are kept to a certain distance, mentally and physically. And limits or shy’s away from the true teachers right before her. This allows her to manage and not overwhelm herself with lessons and challenges she believes she is not ready for or has already learned. Lessons are never really learned, they evolve. And sometimes it is not your lesson that is being presented it is the lesson of another. But the ego steps in and we think it is about us. She thinks it is about her. She can’t see through the pain of the wound. It is all about her. She can’t settle into, this isn’t about me, it’s about the other and how they get through on their journey coming through it with them with love and compassion.

Her fear in true growth mirrors the youth of her soul. My heart opens for this. It opens wide, maybe too wide. It weeps for her because I think I have seen the potential, the openness that she shelters. But it is short-lived and fleeting.

I can’t allow space for her in my head because that emotion is too harsh and unforgiving and not who I want to be. I can’t let it run there and complicate my process, my space.

I honor her presence, the lessons she delivers and hope that her journey through from here forward strengthens and brings her the potential that is within her with an open heart that will allow her to peacefully embrace the goodness along with the bad with gratitude and acceptance.

State of Grace? Is it Grace? I’m not sure actually but that word is in my head.

What my teachings have taught me and what I know for sure is that we all have within us and hold basic goodness.

I can’t know her truth. I can only know and try to understand my own. My truth about her could be diametrically opposed,180° in the opposite direction. But I feel I must overlook the discomfort that I might feel and open my heart to hers. I do feel it to be different and more adverse than my pain.

That said I feel she is searching and she doesn’t yet quite have the tools or the understanding for the confidence to take the tools before her and use them for growth and openness.

I can’t imagine that it would easy to be vulnerable and open-hearted in a situation wherein the past you felt that people were taking advantage of you, where your vulnerability felt to be your weakness instead of your strength.

I’m not saying she gets a pass, I’m not saying that any of us get a pass for her pain and our grief but when any of us project that onto another and we don’t remain responsible and accountable to it and how it affects those around us we can’t really expect anyone else to get through it unscathed.

Within each of us is a goodness that some of us have not even yet realized yet it is there. Her included. Like all of us, I believe she sees glimpses of it and yet maybe it scars her? Maybe her fear, her wound is still too raw to take comfort in what it holds for her. As long as she lets that be in the forefront, she will continue to project. That projection will fall on others who will not know how to understand that and put up their walls, their defenses. The cycle circles and circles and circles and we all miss out on the joy and love that is ours to behold.

It’s interesting what comes into view as you work through something new or a new version of something old.

“if you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”

“stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions”
~ Donna Pisani

“when you proactively share your desire to heal, the Universe picks up your desire and guides you every step of the way”
~ Gabby Bernstein

Even more, what a week!

“In the Bible, Thomas says he will not believe what Jesus has survived unless he can stick his hand into the wounds. But this is not a reasonable thing to ask of someone who is not God, to stick your hand into their wound. I am tired of watching people become wounds. Half the Internet is a wound. Have you stuck your hand in it enough? Do you believe yet? The #MeToo movement lurches forward over a path of scars. The change is so slow and the sacrifice it demands so great.” ~Alexandra Petri, Washington Post

Facebook memories;
One year ago – “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals. Only when you know your own darkness well can you be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity” ~Pema Chödrön

“If you have rage and righteously act it out and blame it all on others, it’s really you who suffers. The other people and the environment suffer also, but you suffer more because you’re being eaten up inside with rage, causing you to hate yourself more and more. ~Pema Chödrön

Six years ago – “The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ― Pema Chödrön

September 30th, what is it about this day? Interesting what the universe brings when it brings.

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