10am: There are and will be lots of story’s whirling around for several days or weeks now.  Not sure about you, but while I am somewhat used to it, I am not comfortable with the extremes of those stories.  The reach in either direction of dissection that is delivered to us on a daily basis.  Right. left, middle center, orbit….

But there is this thing about me that I don’t talk about much in wide broadcast.  Some of you have it too and what you do with it is  your business, your journey.  Mine, I’m not sure if I keep it too quiet or express it too much.

I was raised to not pass judgment on others.  I was raised to be fair, respect others and do no harm.  Harm comes in many forms, verbal and physical.  Both have and can have lasting impact on a humans existence.  I also, as someone said to me, the good news is, you have the ability to know what people are thinking and feeling.  The bad news, you know what people are thinking and feeling.  Mostly, I do.

I heard someone say earlier today that the individual that who shot at the former president, was bullied mercilessly in high school.  “He was bullied almost every day.” As I listened to this young man speak to this bullying, I felt and saw his pain.  Was the pain his or his ability to feel the pain of one bullied and maybe some regret for not stepping up and in to stop it.  

But that’s not what I’m talking about.  Any person who even has an ounce of feeling or compassion left in them, I would hope could see and feel what I saw and felt when that young man spoke.

Did the bullied direct his hurt and abuse onto the actual or perceived ultimate bully?

What I’m feeling is in regard to the shooter and his actions yesterday, actually honestly, I don’t think it should take any special, extra perception, but anyway.  If this individual was bullied as stated, how, why or did that manifest into what happened?  Why was his revenge, his retribution for years of bullying this?  What did he perceive in or of his target?  What did it represent for him?  An extreme?  The cumulative collection of his abuse?  Did his daily intake of information overwhelm his reality of humanity and did he see this as a person as the one to end all that had been said and done to him?

Of course, not everyone who was or has been bullied, got a gun, climbed onto a roof top and shot at the former president yesterday. But this one did.

I have worked very hard to not speak ill of others, to not share dehumanizing, disparaging words or ‘memes’ about others.  But I see it so much from others.  And I can’t help but think a couple of things.  One, who has hurt you so that this is how you approach a solution?  Two, you must not have had in your life anyone that you cared about who has either had diminished capacity in dementia or Alzheimer’s.  Challenges with mental health or incarceration. Otherwise, my heart has to ask, how do you share or say these things?

What holds your anger at bay just at childish and juvenile meme’s shared on social media about someone’s health or speech or misfortune?  What stops you at the ‘share’ and doesn’t take you to the roof with a long gun?

Is this our solution?  Is this our way forward to a kinder, gentler existence together in a world that will change no matter how hard we try to keep it from changing?

What are we going to do to live together, to be productive and prosperous?  It’s not charging a venue with guns and vitriol.  It’s not fire arms taking out those of our differences, or promising arrest and prosecution for those who think differently than you do. Yet here we are.

Do we have to go so far back in time and so deep to come to the surface again and live or attempt to live in a world together where we all are accountable for our actions. Taking responsibility for our contribution to the emotional wake? We have laws and rules that apply to everyone not just a few. And what is broken, can’t we truly and honestly try to fix it without killing, demeaning or disparaging another human.

Step up friends.  This is your world.  This is your place to create what I honestly think is what we all want, peace, contentment, safety, trust, accountability and harmony.

“May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live with ease”.


Moral Compass

Went to Google for this, like I always do.  For those of you who don’t have access to the Google. Often reading comments and questions online it seems Google isn’t available. I’ll add some detail.

And for those of you who think differently than I do, so as to not impose my opinion or interpretation of, moral compass, morals or morality.  Went straight down the list of the search. Didn’t skip. Including something from Texas!  I am of the opinion currently that Texas is running low, so wanted an opposing opinion.  Well, Texas and others.

So here we go.

What is a moral compass? And since a compass is kind of like a clock, how many points should there be? This one has eight. How about four?

Good, bad, right, wrong. Do we need all the stuff in-between? Can there be too many choices? 

Difference: (n) a point or way in which people or things are not the same. So much is not the same. Yet, it is.

I don’t feel that I am really any different than many.  I’m not special.  Don’t have any special skills or talent or insights.  I try to be kind, descent, fair and not cause harm.  Listen or try to listen to understand and consider the alternative. Check my bias at every level.

What’s a challenge right now for me is the extraordinarily enormous gap in the way some things are different. Things that seem or feel wouldn’t normally necessarily be different.  Yet they are.  

moral Adjective 
a: of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior
b: expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior
c: confirming to a standard of right behavior
d: sectioned by or operative of one’s conscience or ethical judgment
e: capable of right and wrong action

moral Adjective
relating to the standards of good or bad behavior, fairness, honesty, etc. that each person believes in, rather than to laws:

-It’s her moral obligation to tell the police what she knows.
-It is not part of a novelist’s job to make a moral judgment.
-She was the only politician to condemn the proposed law on moral grounds (= for moral reasons).
-The Democrats are attempting to capture the moral high ground (= are trying to appear more honest and good than the other political parties).

Other forms: morals

The moral of a story is the lesson that story teaches about how to behave in the world.

Moral comes from the Latin word mores, for habits. The moral of a story is supposed to teach you how to be a better person. If moral is used as an adjective, it means good, or ethical. If you have a strong moral character, you are a good member of society. If someone is a cheat and a liar, you might say, “She is not a moral person.”

The definition of Morality | Stanford University

  1. descriptively to refer to certain codes of conduct put forward by a society or a group (such as a religion), or accepted by an individual for her own behavior, or
  2. normatively to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational people.

MORALS: Morals are society’s accepted principles of right conduct that enables people to live cooperatively. | Univ. of Texas

Synonyms: good, honorable, clean, moralistic, incorrupt, virtuous

Any of you out there still working and yearly are required to take online or in person training that are about ethical behavior, code of conduct, harassment, etc. I have for years. For the last few years as I take them I think about our government.

Growing up I knew what this meant.  Growing up I also didn’t have to think about it. I knew what it meant to me and those around me. It was pretty clear what was right and what was wrong.  Now…if feels like wrong is right, right is wrong. At least in my definition of morals. What I see happening in the world right now, is diametrically apposed to my moral compass. The glass is cracked and possibly cracked beyond repair.

Right: Ethical. Be fair. Be honest. Obey the law. Be respectful. Be kind.  

Wrong:  Lying. Disrespect. Racism. Dehumanizing another human being. Name calling.  Mocking. Self-righteous indignation. Unprincipled. Corrupt.

Our gap between right and wrong is immeasurable.

How did we get here?

It’s important to note that these points are generalized observations, and individual experiences and moral beliefs can vary widely. Additionally, societal changes are complex and multifaceted, influenced by a multitude of factors. To gain a more precise understanding, one would need to consider specific regions, cultures, and demographics. -ChatGPT

My truth will offend some. Or some of you are already left.

I refrained for four years, and then some. Now I worry my silence was to some, showing respect or acceptance of the behavior or actions of some. 

Wrong. I respect the office, but I did not in any form respect the man.  On my moral compass he is completely bankrupt, deficient, amoral, nonmoral, unmoral, what ever else you can call it.  Destructive and dangerous.  I search for something, anything redeeming. I can’t.

He fully unlocked and gave license to racism, white supremacy and misogyny discrimination, injustice, bias as the norm.  Cheating, lying and disregard for the law. Fears are being fed, with deep untruths about the world, its history, its people and a path to move forward together in peace and harmony.

Sherilyn Ifill said, “the thing that Trump realized was that there were all of these white people who wanted to be “free of the requirements of decency.”

Seriously.  Who really thinks that the average person, you or me, today would get away with what he has done? Mostly he has. Now, slowly a few juries are attempting to right the wrong.  The average person is NOT getting away with even less.

That aside, I’ll be the first to say that our justice system is beyond broken. Justice is not blind. Justice sees color and is greedy.

Let me just put this out there, take everything he has said.  Everything he has done and replace his name with, Obama said, or Obama did.  Right. He would be in prison, period.  You know it.  You’ve probably said it. And why? Hypocrisy and the double standard doesn’t align my compass.

Some are and have essentially replaced Biden’s name for what the other has done. And the former is a champion of that. Much of what he says is projection of his own lies and miss deeds.

If only it were pre-internet, and three networks.  How many times have I heard the former president accuse the current of something he actually did. Everyday. You aren’t listening. That has to be it. Why? I’m not that biased or niave.

I am no scholar.  I am not book smart.  For those of you that I believe are academically superior to me, you surprise me and cause me great pause.  I chose to keep what ever intelligence I was gifted with, emotional, heart, what ever you want to call it.  I will continue to embrace mine and wish you well.

What also causes me pause in the anger and ease with which some project onto others.  And almost always, someone that they can’t know or know their story. What happened?  Who abused you?  Who disenfranchised you that it has left you this bitter? Who took your freedom? Who took your house, your land, your family wealth, your history? Or is that guilt driving you to cover insecurity. 

relating to the standards of good or bad behavior, fairness, honesty

This is my foundation. This was how I was raised.  And as I began my Buddhist studies, I was met with basic goodness. ‘Our essential nature is good, workable, and worthwhile. This is sometimes contrasted with the idea of original sin, although it is arguable that both notions include the concept of a primordial purity that is stained or covered over. The experience of reality and also basic human Nature.Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche  

Do no harm.  If you can’t say something nice…  Be a decent human being, honest and in a way that most approve.  Yet, here we are.  In my view approving of or just accepting this reprehensible behavior is destroying us. No matter how it is explained, I will not understand.  Actually, I don’t want to because the trail of tears and destruction is overwhelming and needs to be cleared and healed.

I think I’ve been pretty quiet about this.  Or maybe things snuck out when the level of insanity got to a breaking point…every day.  I’ve tried to not add to it, I don’t post disrespectful things. I’ve tried to remain respectful.  I’ve tried not to call people names, and I don’t mock others.  If I have and it’s out there, I apologies.

Then I thought about something I posted a while back, they say silence is golden, it also speaks volumes. Silence can be misinterpreted and misleading.

My heart breaks.

Offended or heartbroken? I’ve thought about the difference. Our difference is manufactured. And the architect or the creator of that difference, their agenda is not for the greater good. It is as he has intended and said, for retribution. How will this serve anyone?

If you listen to and hear DJT, really hear him and do not hear the lack of understanding of the human condition, do not hear his disregard or decency and disdain for others, especially women.  Just his complete lack of respect for anyone.  Including the office he held.  His inability to know more or limited interest beyond more than himself, rules, laws, legislation, human decency is obvious. His complete dearth of a moral compass is alarming. What sounds like early or even advanced stages of a cognitive decline, where is his family?  If you listen and do not hear this,  please check, what is he feeding in you? Where is the anger living in you? If his disregard and disrespect for women isn’t enough, I question self respect.

I also wonder and worry a little about this man, who by his own admission has everything. Yet daily he speaks ill of, well everyone in and outside of his orbit.  Mocked the handicap.  Calls the men and women who fought for your freedom losers. “I like people who weren’t captured.” Calls humans vermin, poison, rapists. A shit hole country. That doesn’t say something, anything about his character? His intention?

What I ask with all the love, respect and compassion I can gather, what in you finds any of this okay?  What will this man do other than destroy us?  Break democracy and the rule of law.  His path is clear.  He’s said it, retribution. Even his steadfast supporter will not be safe or exempt of his intent. He is dismissive of loyal staff, ‘barely knew them’. He’s going to protect you? No. We are nothing to him. And you and I will be long gone before there is even a hint of recovery. Even from just where we are now.

One last thing, not that I believe that there is or will be an anti-christ, but I found this unnervingly interesting.

We need a compass recalibration.


Listen. Can you?

Consider what you bring to listen more than what is being said.  To just listen. What do you believe and what biases have you left to acknowledge in how you hear different or opposing opinions, ideas or even truth.  

Can you listen and consider more?  Consider like me, I am ill equipped to understand.  Is it complex?  Does that thought keep me from speaking out? Often yes.

Stop the genocide. 


Humanity is killing itself.

Acknowledge the rise of antisemitism and white supremacy.

I will fully admit that there are opposing opinions that I have a difficult time listening to and I often don’t get all the way through.  Those are messages that are filled with hate and oppression.  Words that dehumanize a certain people.  Words that disparage for no other reason than to cover up an insecurity. 

Here I’ll say it, words from the current front runner of the Republican Party and his followers.  Words that for years now have done nothing but escalate and expand the disparagement of humans, of all demographics. 

I will say this again and over and over, no one will be safe with this faction of this party.  And that includes his supporters.  If you get in his way, you will be next.  Supporting him is not your security.  If you don’t already see that… well, godspeed.



Out loud I have a hard time saying most of this. Even thinking about it sometimes it’s hard to breath.  So saying it out loud, having the words leave my body even when I’ve tried with Mel, my throat closes and I stop.  I can’t do it.

I know I did what needed to be done.  I know it was the right thing to do under the circumstance, but.

It will be a very long time, if ever before I will get past feeling what I felt that day I helped Dad pack a suitcase, drove him to the building for lunch so that after they could take him to his/their new room.  That feeling will be with me for a very long time.  No matter how often someone says or even I say it to myself, it was the right thing to do, I had to do it.  I had to take what at that time he knew as his life, his freedom. Then to explain where the car keys were, then where the car was.  More than once.

There is nothing anyone can say or will be able to say ever that will make that right on my heart.  I didn’t want to do it, never wanted to have to do it, yet I did.  I had to be the one to walk him out of his house with a small suitcase to deliver him to a room with a chair and then a few pictures.  As scary or dangerous as it might have been, would he still be here because he had the muscle memory to do his daily routine of see Mom, get lunch, go home and watch sports.

Regardless of others around it was a feeling of complete isolation and what for me, while certainly less than some, my own trauma that turned me upside down and inside out.

That feeling, I’m not sure will ever leave no matter what you or anyone says, period. In fact someone saying you did the right thing, is just irritating.  

Mom was different, I think she was more resigned and maybe had enough reality then to know it had to happen.  She didn’t fight it or question it.  While it does nothing to help me, my hope is that Dad more often didn’t remember rather than remembering. 

Then everything that came with that.  A new job, full time job and a full time job just trying to do right for them and at every turn someone saying no.  Someone questioning every single action or attempt to get for them what was rightfully theirs. Like I was just trying to scam everyone.

Then I had to be happy and on for work 40 hours a week, with that mixed in the middle since all of those agencies for Mom and Dad only have regular hours 9-5 Mon – Friday, eastern time.  Like everyone lives in the time zone and has ALL the time in the world to sit on hold then answer all the security questions like you are new every time.  Even when they called me on my number that I GAVE them…please verify and confirm who you are.  FU was what I wanted to say.

Yes, I am mad.  Mad that I had to do it all with no help.  Moral support fails and through this, was no help.  Words to rally on fueled the anger.  More emotions I had to bury, keep to myself.  Why should anyone else have to feel what I was feeling?  

Then work, a phone call with a candidate.  Smile on my face, be nice and act like I actually give a fuck that they might be the perfect person for the job we are talking about.  A call with Long Term Care robots asking the same damn questions they did the week before, questioning every dime.  Then a phone call with a candidate, always on video, so smile on my face….I am exhausted. 

It seemed that it all then trickled into me just trying to do simple things.   Nothing could just   be done, it had to have some level of complication, question or just plain, no you can’t do it that way.   No straight line from A to B, it was all over the alphabet.  A few times I even bucked up and went into a call saying as the phone rang, this will go well, this will be easy, this will work in my favor.  And no.  There was no escape of the can’t (sorry Grandma) and the ridiculous.  


Again, Fear

I think sometimes that people don’t understand fear.  Maybe they think of fear as something physical, physical harm.  Fear of falling a great distance, a head on collision, being shot or beaten, attacked by another.  Yes, I guess those are certainly something to fear, a physical harm that hurts or takes you life.  

Fear of a mental nature based on an unknown feels more difficult to consider or describe.  

There are a lot of people out there who have the fear and fear of some people.  They are carefully crafting scenarios that either have no merit or aren’t reality.  

They are psychologically feeding your fears.   I would argue or question maybe that you don’t even see it or it doesn’t register with you as a fear.  It’s an imposition or an infringement on you.  What you believe or deem right.  But calling it a fear allows you to take your stand.

The thing is, everyone is probably offended by something someone does.  But is it physically harming you or infringing on your beliefs and rights?  Is your disagreement of a certain community doing the very thing you hold dear for yourself?  Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  

How does a drag queen harm you?

How does a trans person harm you?

How does a gay person harm you?

How does a person who looks different that you do, harm you? 

Color, size, nationality, sex, fashion, the car you drive or the street you live on.

Truly, if you stopped, listened to understand and heard the other, guess what.  They want the same thing.

To be safe, happy, healthy and live with ease.

They don’t want more than you have, just the same. And those who want or expect more, or you think they expect more, they really don’t. But believing that some expect more gives you license to divide, accuse and believe that you are the one who is disenfranchised.

Honestly we should all be fighting against the rich who get richer by those who give them tax breaks leaving you and me to pay the bill.  

don't speak...don't speak!

My Reality

My reality?  

I’m not here to understand.  

I hear and read things that fit no where in my brain.  

No reason or logic.

I’m not here to understand.

I am here to not question others who believe that they have or no the best path for them.

Yet I will question their need for their beliefs to be the only acceptable belief for others.

I have a lot of questions about humanity these days.  I know I’m not alone, but what is most confusing are those who seem to have a diametric opposition to how I see or feel about redeemable actions of others.

I believe we should do what we can to take care of others regardless of their place.  That we are the richest (or so they say) country in the world so why does anyone suffer lack or disenfranchisement?

I believe that love is love.  So why who another loves has any harmful affect on me or anyone else is beyond me.

We don’t actually have, life liberty or the pursuit of happiness.  

Justice is not balanced, equal or fair.

Fear is our M.O., how else do we navigate the day to survive?

Government has their hands in the wrong issues and seem to disregard the will or bit of the people for their own interests.  Maybe everything should go to vote and all elected officials do is read their “opinions” for the citizens to vote on and that vote passes all and any new legislation.  (Yes I know there’s a lot bad that could happen there considering what some have done recently to suppress votes.

Drag Queens, gays, LGBTQ+, pronouns is not the problem.  Treatment of them is.

Average, normal every day citizens don’t need automatic fire arms that can shoot hundreds of rounds.  That should be only given to and used by military.  And not local police.  When in confrontation, why do they shoot someone  20, 30, 40, 60, 70 times?  Maybe they should all have 6 shooters? And if they are that fearful, maybe they are in the wrong job?

We should do what we can to help the houseless.  I know complicated, very complex issue.  So we should analyze it that way and stop with the band-aids, making them move and boulder gardens.  Millions spent to put sharp boulders here and there, what else could that money do.

For some reason I have a very low threshold for ethics and morality.  There should be a way to measure that and it be what disqualifies someone for running for an office that has the responsibility to take care of other humans. Yes, I’ll say it Trump, DeSantis, Cruz, MTG, Jordan, Boebert … just to name a few.

From time to time I catch myself saying, these people aren’t conservative, I’m conservative. I’m no prude, but seriously? Who reset what I thought were morals, ethics, fairness, justice and just plain old human decency? Judgment and hatred have moved in.

Maybe there should actually be a job description for the President of the Unites States (all political seats) with required qualifications and accountable responsibilities.  This would include the requirement of submittal of tax returns.  Which had been done for years before Trump.

How many companies have you worked for that have a code of ethics or standards or even conduct that are part of the culture? That you even had to yearly do an on demand training about that ethical or moral behavior? Me…many. Why are these jobs and the people in them allowed to run amuck and impose their concocted new brand of morality and ethical behavior? For me, nothing is further form the truth most of them. I mean, really? Come on!

Love is love is love is love and MUST win!  Why would anyone want anything else?


I am a Racist ~ follow up

This is a follow up to my post I am a Racist on August 15, 2020.

Being or becoming anti-racist takes work, attention, listening, acknowledgment, a few stumbles and embracing the uncomfortable.

I’m reading a new book, “Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How To Do Better  White Women” by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao.

Yes I recommend it!

On 12.6 I was able to see part of a book launch on LinkedIn for the book by Elizabeth Leiba, “I’m Not Yelling”.  I didn’t get to watch the entire event and I  haven’t ordered the book yet, but let me say this.

Black, women of color are not yelling. My hot take, you are hearing what you know deep down is wrong and your defenses are up.  Guilt or shame?  Let’s say it’s both.

  • Shame – I am flawed and unworthy – I’ve failed to make myself worthy and help to shine the light on women of color
  • Guilt – what I’ve done or failed to do that doesn’t match my values to shine light on women or just people of color.

(Brene Brown)

Me – I am ashamed because I don’t do enough to support and promote the voice of women of color.  I have guilt because my in action (or not doing enough) to be an ally, an anti-racist does not match my values.

Hearing yelling is a defense and a projection that as a white person, you know they are right but you refuse to own your racism and push it back to them so you can absolve yourself.

White Women pg 58: “at this point, a woman from the Arizona table turned and barked, “Not everything is about race.”

White women, I’m here to say, yes it is.  

A room full of just white women cannot advance the message of women if that room does not represent women.  ALL WOMEN, period.

If we are not willing to listen, engage and include “women” in our total fight for equality, if we are not willing to listen regardless of if we think one is “yelling”, we are letting our racism win. 

We need to dig deep to understand why as white women we continue to give other white women the advantage and not women of color.  More importantly we need to dig deep within ourselves our own DNA and ask, why do I feel or think that women of color are yelling?    I’ve found that the more I listen, the more I understand myself, the less yelling I hear.

I will fully admit that when I started my journey to listen, read and explore my racism, I often felt uncomfortable when listening to women of color speak to what was happening.  At the time my thought was, this is why no one (whites) will listen and it’s their out to not listen, so angry, so mad.  Well yeah!  You never yell or are mad about what’s happening?  

I see a few white “friends” on Facebook plenty angry and if I actually heard them say what they posted, they’d be yelling!  But then they are white, so they get to without retribution.  WRONG!

If you listen with a lens to understand what is inside you, what is deep or at the surface of you, I think you would hear something different.  When you’ve had it up to your eyeballs with being dismissed, disenfranchised or cast aside, you don’t get a little testy?  Oh yeah, right… 

They are speaking their ground truth and are speaking for millions, you aren’t hearing mad or divisive, you are hearing an exhausted journey being fought for others to be accountable, to be in the room and to have the exact say and opportunity that I and you as a white woman have had just because we are white.

If you don’t already know this, we(white) can no longer say, I’m not a racist.  Or I don’t have a racist bone in my body.  Bullshit!  We do!  I do and you do and we have to own it!

I had this idea the other day about a different kind of post on Facebook.  I find recently that in my world, the level of ridiculousness has exponentially topped out and is overflowing.  In the world and my little world.  I wanted or was curious who or if anyone would respond to this;

My first thought, this is Facebook, it will sit there with no interaction.  No comments, no questions, no likes, no emoji, no WTAF?  Who would dare, right?  My experience so far is no one really wants to have a real and true conversation to talk about real issues and potentially real solutions.  They just want to yell about the problem, and tell everyone the way they think it should be for everyone while saying don’t tread on me. Privilege.  

My hope at the no comments lies in my hope that, one – most will know better I’m testing it and two that no one believes either of those statements.  That said, there is a part of me that thinks there may be a few out there who are leaning into that and are out there yelling all the time.  Hey you don’t own the rights to “yelling”, especially if you are white.  You just don’t.

Here is short reading or listening list; (but there are SO many more)

Sonya Renee Taylor

Brittney Cooper

White Women

Layla Saad

If you read just the last two books and still think you don’t have racist tendencies or not a racist? Well, I have some bad news for you…

We, white people have to lean into the uncomfortable the discomfort to work our way to the other side.  We have to learn to listen to the message as it is delivered and learn  to understand our reaction or response to it.  I still get uncomfortable, or stop reading or listening, but not as often as I did.  Now often my uncomfortable is a reality that this is who we are, a racist, white supremacist country who’s idea of what makes America great is only  allowing certain voices to be heard, certain voices to be part of who we are and where we go.



I spent a lot of time in the bible growing up.  I’ve read a lot of it, but I don’t think I can say all of it.  It was a constant companion as a teenager in high school and a bit of college.  

My Mom has a degree in theology and studied early translations of the bible, first translations.  She started in me, not questions of doubt, but question of context.  Context of time and place.

I started reading more.  I’m not a good reader, so that’s always a challenge, but I read all I could.  Concepts, philosophies and world religions. 

Then second round of college.  Philosophy of Religion, Religions of the World, exploring beliefs around the world. Hindu Upanishads, Daoism, Sufism, Buddhism, Merton, Thomas, Jung, The Tao of Pooh… For me the definition of religion is maybe a bit abstract. For me this also includes, ethics and morality.

Those two concepts, ethics and morality I have more issue with today that straight up religion. What I see today as acceptable ethics and morality are far from my understanding of either concept. Yet, it feels those have been replaced, even dismissed for one thing.

I felt myself moving away from the bible.  The more I read of other religions, the more judgmental christianity and the bible felt. Others too sometimes, I feel that is wrong. Then I discovered something. Humans are judgmental regardless of what they have been taught or read. And yes, I will acknowledge this is a judgement. That said, I’ll say it feels different that what I see and hear.

I was feeling that what carried me through my youth was actually counter to what I thought I had been taught.  What I had actually read. The actual teachings of Jesus.

Through that format “Facebook” I was seeing and reading the thoughts of many that I thought were on the same page as me when it came to what we should do with and for others. But I was reading the opposite of what I thought from those, some of which I spent not just time with in groups in high school but sat next to in the pew, Sunday School classroom and weekend retreats. Their new philosophy was diametrically opposed to where I was and it, well it was shattering. Don’t spend a great deal of time now on that format. Honestly, it’s heartbreaking.

Humans are judgmental. Most can’t avoid it, can’t escape it. What I see and read recently, over the last few years is angry judgement. Anger that is so extreme, so directed, so specific. That anger is what I fear.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ~Khalil Gibran

Religion is a belief in worship of a superhuman.  Religion is a system.  Religion is a concept, an idea, that creates difference, divide and inequality.  And interpretation today is just as troubling as early translations.  

What if it is all fiction?  All of it?

It’s words that for the most part, none of us know who wrote the words or truly know why they were written.  You really don’t know me, really and you probably don’t know why I am writing this.  What prompted these words out of me?

Religion does nothing for us. Maybe it’s done something for you, but what about us? All of us? Well, as I see it right now, nothing good.  It pulls us apart.  Creates false equivalents to non-realities and gives some weak ground to stand on to support their ideas they want pushed onto others.  Often ideas based on nothing real and lack the effort to understand beyond the surface what it as stake. And in my opinion, nothing scarier then an angry Christian, (oxymoron).

Religion causes wars.  Religion right now has us calling each other names and making accusations based on information not based on facts. Some are assuming the worst when for the most part truly only the best of intentions are meant. But it somehow doesn’t fit into their box, their way. Some of us, a few of us have decided they are the ones to decided what is right for all the rest.  And some basing thoughts and ideas on what one person is saying, (Jim Jones?).

One side is so afraid of fear that they can’t think past that.  Their hearts are closed and even hardened.  Eyes closed, arms crossed and pass on harm, even trauma human to human. So much for, ‘all gods children’.

What are you afraid of?  The unknown I guess can be scary, but the unknown you fear now is craftily hidden in lies and the perpetuation of non truths by lost fearful people. (another judgment, yes)

We lack confidence that people are good and know what is best for them and lack imagination or an interest to seek truth.

The bible, some read it cover to cover.  Some read the words.  Some like my Mom, go deeper.  Context.  Who was it written for and why?  What was happening that needed to be addressed all those many years ago?

It’s not even a complete document.  Who chose the books and why?  Why not the others, the Apocrypha?  Why were those left out?  The last book, why is it last?  Did it almost not make it in?  What, who and why is it in the order that it is?  What was the intention of those people?  

Fear is blinding.  Fear is not productive it will end us all.  One by one, restriction by restriction.  It will keep us in fear of a fear that is not a reality, but again just a lie that one needs to keep their ego feed and their place in a world that they were lost.  

Who benefits from the sale of bibles?

Bible for sale, gently used.

-I am afraid that through others fears I will somehow be relegated  to a confinement or restrictions based on my beliefs, not my actions, but my beliefs.  I fear this for everyone, family, friends and those now pushing their beliefs on me. That laws will without provocation be passed that will have restriction and disenfranchise many like we have never seen before.  Don’t we have enough of that already with our history? And within those restrictions, those who feel they have a religion to back up their law, I feel will one day be surprised at the laws that follow that will restrict their own life.


To my aging friends with kids

This is one of those, not so fun topics.  However, I’m not having any fun, so here we go.

If you are my age or older, even before actually, 50’s, 60’s and I’d say no later than 70’s.  Please consider this.

Sit down very soon with your kids and have the conversation about what happens when the body and the mind start to fail. And this can be a two way conversation. It can happen to the kids too.

Have a will, a Power of Attorney and be sure that the POA and all of your financial holdings play nice together.  Actually, I’m not sure that’s really possible. Anyway, this means you may need to update them on a regular basis. How does the POA work when all of a sudden you are incapacitated or worse, you and your “agent” mirror declining cognition and your alternate has to pay the bills or make decisions.

And, don’t forget the Health Care Directive. (I guess those are still honored? (Unless SCOTUS finishes their path of personal destruction of individual freedoms).

If you or your partner get a diagnosis of any thing closely resembling Dementia, or any cognitive issue, start right then and there to find a place that can care for you until end of life.  House or apartment, to assisted living, to nursing home, to memory care, etc.  AND MOVE!  And do it within a year. Do not wait.

Know and recognize that the pace of Dementia is not up to you.  You have no control over how quickly you or your partner will no longer know simple things like, how to use a phone, address, what day it is, where they are or how long an hour is.

Make these decision together and before they have to be done alone, by the kid or someone else for you. And DO NOT AVOID it! Live in reality. And if you live to be 120 and have no issues, you’ll still have a place to live and do whatever the hell you want when you want to do it!

While this is me saying this, and I know there are lots of thoughts about this, there is no shame in admitting the inevitable.  When you sleep, eat, watch TV, sleep again, what does it matter where you do that? If you travel, well you can travel from anywhere! For me the shame and guilt is what I had to do in May. 

My parents 10 years ago did make a decision to move to a house in a community that essentially has several levels of service, homes to end of life care.  What they didn’t do was make the last decision for themselves while they could have.  I will say, not that I didn’t try to make that happen.  One thinking the other was worse off, when all along they were declining just as quickly together.  They may be smart, or clever, but the brain is unforgiving.  Be direct and ask tough questions. Especially if you aren’t there in person to see or watch what is happening. The brain is in charge and will take its course as it chooses. No shame, no guilt, just what it wants to do.

If you don’t do this, then prepare the kids(or yourself) for days, weeks and potentially months of guilt and being talked to like they are a scammer or a criminal when they are just tying to take care of you and get what is rightfully due you that can be verified by the facility they are in or the doctor you’ve provided to them to verify.  Or worse yet, not being able to find a nice, clean place to care for you. I’m calling this, prancing through the dog and pony show…biting my tongue all the way. Hoop after hoop after hoop.

Be careful how you handle bank accounts, retirement accounts. Any action there, depending on how you are listed on an account, they say, will be perceived as a gift it you try to do things, like request a live check to be direct deposited. That would look like a gift…cause it’s all a huge f*cking gift!

I know some will say, I got this.  It’s all under control.  I’m going to say, no it’s not.  No you won’t. Take care of it yourself and your kids when you can, NOW.

There is nothing that I know that prepares you for or helps you through any of this. To my knowledge, there is no one source that you can go to who can offer you, step, 1,2,3,4,5… And I have to say why not?

Where my parents are is okay. I am sure there are nicer places and certainly worse. But my question, why do they not have an advocate there who could help me through each step? Have a list of resources to point me in the right direction to ensure they have everything they need and deserve. I signed a lot of papers, but none of it was, now here are the things you will need or want to do, this insurance, this form, that form, this agency, this legal aspect, how this bill gets paid, how this claim gets filed. I am flying blind and further, deeper into a space that makes me just want to turn it all off and run away.

Yes, there is Elder Law. I’m now on that path, but they don’t cover it all. It’s not inclusive. That I can tell.

Be kind to yourself and to those who will have to take care of things for you.

P.S. beware of the address change via USPS. Somehow…I do not know how yet, but those non-profit, bulk mailings that are received, the ones that come with the labels, note pads, dollars, magnets, stickers and calendars, they somehow get the new address from somewhere and will now be sending your kids or who ever is getting your first class mail ALL of that! Not forwarded, sent directly to them and your address!

Three days of mail. THREE!! All non-profit asking for money. Thanks Mom…


lost holiday

I ended my last post with a quote;

“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

~ Bryan Stevenson

When it happens to you, you do look at it differently.  Certainly when it happens to someone close who you love.  When what happens is done by someone you  love, you still look at it differently.  I think you discover who you truly are in that reality.  Maybe even who you have been all along and then wonder, why wasn’t I vocal about this earlier.  Not just because it’s there in front of you now, but maybe because it doesn’t actually do what it is supposed to do, justice.  While not exactly, but kind of like what is said in the face of of the tragedy or sadness, why did “this” have to happen to bring us together, why did we wait? Then the question, does it really bring you together?

Regardless of what it was or is, there are layers.  There are parts that not everyone knows about.  Or may ever know about. There are parts that because of how we let others tell the story based on others stories, the story our story is rarely told in truth and often lost because it’s something no one wants to touch.  Or because of the story, told as is potentially while true, again isn’t the whole story and creates a shadow.  A shadow that without further analysis, is extreme.

This is the weekend our lives changed.   Easter weekend.  Easter used to mean something when I was a kid.  I think?   Now,  it’s an  annual  reminder of an arrest.   A shift in our fabric, in our comfort.  A shift that still years later,  has no real resolution.  No real answers except the judgement of one man of another who decided that 360 months was the answer.  No help, no therapy, no rehabilitation, 360 months.

Some will say it is just.  Some, maybe me, think it extreme.   I will fully admit that is based on what I know, who I know and not the whole story.  The whole truth.  Yet I still believe that it is extreme.  Incarceration, more often that not doesn’t solve what the real issue or trouble is that lies within.  It feels the easy way out, lazy.  Quick answer, done, next.


Why do we avoid conversation or the person with an indiscretion?  Or those close to that person? Is it fear?  Guilt?  Thinking, am I like them?  Guilt by association? Not knowing what to say?  Believe me, I don’t know what to say either. The impact of silence and isolation pile on to an already enormous mountain of fear, question and guilt in itself. And the silence is … can’t find the words yet to describe.

It is an enormous loss. 

The impact is enormous on everyone on all sides. 

Three hundred and sixty. 

Thirty years.