don't speak...don't speak!

move on

I think about what I want to say. What I could say. I actually write down much of what I want to say. But don’t often put it out for consumption. Otherwise, this blog would be enormous. And because, I realize that it’s not about me. Hasn’t been and never will be. So I can’t or shouldn’t say anything, won’t say anything. I just move on.

Stuff happens all around me and may happen around me. Most of the time having nothing to do with me and doesn’t affect me. Unless I let it. Even if maybe it was said about me. It’s my life, and I have some bit of control over that. If it is negative in nature or accusatory, I have to believe it’s a fear in the other. And again has nothing to do with me. So I move on.

I have to admit, I have been lucky to not hear a lot of negative things about me. Who knows how much is out there that I haven’t heard. But I think I can count on one hand a couple things back a few years. But they were baseless, pointless and really had nothing to do with me upon analysis. So I moved on.

In my last job a situation came up and I was trying my very best to maintain an open and democratic environment. I want to work in a fair and democratic place. So I tried to give everyone the opportunity to air their grievance, put it on the table and turn things around. To give everyone involve the opportunity to feel that they were being heard and that I would be making no assumptions. They were all going to get equal time to say what they thought, what they needed and what they heard. I think what they didn’t expect was that they were going to do this at the same time at the same table. I wasn’t going to take one word over another. I don’t play that, “he said, she said” game. In this case, “she said, she said”. I thought, to have the opportunity for all to be heard was a good idea. I was wrong. Long story short, I was called a bully. Move on?

I have to admit this one hit me like nothing had in a very long time. And I admit I’m not sure I have entirely moved on from that. I’m still learning from it. It still stings like nothing before. Well stings a bit like something about 22 years ago.

“Don’t bully me!” Bully? Was I a bully? And for several weeks I was a mess. I let it make me a mess. Weeks later I heard an apology. But still to this day, don’t know where that came from. I’ll move on.

It’s a battle that I’ve never wanted or had any inclination to take on, but is before me more than I care to acknowledge, this judgmental way of thinking. And, full confession I have caught myself, ashamedly, participating in negative banter. Even as I have done it I cringe and feel awful. Immediate remorse. Because in all these cases it was my downfall or faults that made me say these things. It is a fear, an inadequacy that makes me pass judgment on others. It has nothing to do with the person to which I referenced. This is about me. So I move on.

It’s the judgment; it’s the disrespect and the conditions that are set by someone for how they believe life should happen or how another should live. Approval, with conditions. Love with conditions. The level of mean is out of control. At least by my definition it is. I hear it on the news from and about people I don’t know. I hear it from people I know. I have to move on.

People making statements or judgments about others. Some based on factual information other times petty, petty history. It’s a cancer, bad energy, bad karma and tiresome. Move on.

The digs, the small jabs about someone, how they do or don’t do things. An assumption of what they may or may not have done. What they have said or may have said. How they treat others or how they are treated. It’s time to move on.

What does this accomplish? What does putting down or degrading anyone accomplish? In my opinion, it can’t do anything to the person that the comment is about. But it says something about the person saying it. Do they hear these accusatory, judgmental, mean things that they say. In that media space it stays forever. And might be heard. Comments in an email to someone about someone else are there forever and might be read. And you slowly but surely chip away at your soul. What is accomplished with the incessant need to belittle, degrade and pass judgment? Again, what does it accomplish? I’m asking, what does it accomplish?! If they have to continue to regurgitate the past, over and over again, won’t it eat at the core of the person saying it? Is it time to move on?

What is so desperate about their life that they just can’t let go? What has this other person or persons done to them that they can’t move on? Have they ruined their life? Changed the course of their life? Are they living a life in the gutter? Do they not have things? Have they lost things? No? Move on.

Think about the goodness of people. Think that people for the most part do the best that they can. Know that your best is not pointing out the worst in others. And that each person, large or small, big or tall does things in their own way to try to make a happy life. And what does it matter to anyone else? We are not other people. We are who we are at this very moment. No more, no less. So I think we can move on.

I don’t think anyone knows how to navigate life, really. So we all make mistakes, we all say things that we regret or had no context for saying. But out of fear we say it. I say please MOVE ON!

I live a pretty decent life. Ok, so I don’t have a job right now. My cushion is now gone. If I have to I can sell my car and go for a bit longer. And if it really gets bad I can put my condo on the market. As long as unemployment lasts I at least know that I can keep that current. I could digress and go deeper, but I’ll move on.

Here’s the thing. I can’t nor do I want listen to or hear anything negative or derogatory about anyone. No one. Friends, family and or foe. I realize it’s asking a lot. I just can’t do it. So, to use an old phrase, “if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t’ say it.” Speak of others as you hope they speak of you. I had a Great Grandmother who saw only the goodness in everyone. If only I could capture a fraction of that. If another’s life or way of life is disagreeable to you, leaving you the need to list their faults. I will not be listening. I’m moving on.

Colette & Augi
This is Colette with Augi, he’s two. And this is the look on her face 99% of the time. I’ll be aligning myself closely with my friend Colette. At just 36 she has had a busy couple of months. Since April, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, located her birth mother who passed away last year. Found 3 half brothers and 3 Aunts. She has had six chemo treatments, with two more to go. She will meet her brothers, aunts and her biological father this weekend. All that, BAR NONE she is the most positive person I know, on a scale of 1-10, she’s about a 28. A friend that I’m not sure I have the right to have. But I’m hanging with her and her family. Who to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say a negative, mean thing about anyone. They amaze me everyday, Colette, Michael, Sophia and Augi, in how they move through life. I’m with them.

I’m moving on.