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bible

I spent a lot of time in the bible growing up.  I’ve read a lot of it, but I don’t think I can say all of it.  It was a constant companion as a teenager in high school and a bit of college.  

My Mom has a degree in theology and studied early translations of the bible, first translations.  She started in me, not questions of doubt, but question of context.  Context of time and place.

I started reading more.  I’m not a good reader, so that’s always a challenge, but I read all I could.  Concepts, philosophies and world religions. 

Then second round of college.  Philosophy of Religion, Religions of the World, exploring beliefs around the world. Hindu Upanishads, Daoism, Sufism, Buddhism, Merton, Thomas, Jung, The Tao of Pooh… For me the definition of religion is maybe a bit abstract. For me this also includes, ethics and morality.

Those two concepts, ethics and morality I have more issue with today that straight up religion. What I see today as acceptable ethics and morality are far from my understanding of either concept. Yet, it feels those have been replaced, even dismissed for one thing.

I felt myself moving away from the bible.  The more I read of other religions, the more judgmental christianity and the bible felt. Others too sometimes, I feel that is wrong. Then I discovered something. Humans are judgmental regardless of what they have been taught or read. And yes, I will acknowledge this is a judgement. That said, I’ll say it feels different that what I see and hear.

I was feeling that what carried me through my youth was actually counter to what I thought I had been taught.  What I had actually read. The actual teachings of Jesus.

Through that format “Facebook” I was seeing and reading the thoughts of many that I thought were on the same page as me when it came to what we should do with and for others. But I was reading the opposite of what I thought from those, some of which I spent not just time with in groups in high school but sat next to in the pew, Sunday School classroom and weekend retreats. Their new philosophy was diametrically opposed to where I was and it, well it was shattering. Don’t spend a great deal of time now on that format. Honestly, it’s heartbreaking.

Humans are judgmental. Most can’t avoid it, can’t escape it. What I see and read recently, over the last few years is angry judgement. Anger that is so extreme, so directed, so specific. That anger is what I fear.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ~Khalil Gibran

Religion is a belief in worship of a superhuman.  Religion is a system.  Religion is a concept, an idea, that creates difference, divide and inequality.  And interpretation today is just as troubling as early translations.  

What if it is all fiction?  All of it?

It’s words that for the most part, none of us know who wrote the words or truly know why they were written.  You really don’t know me, really and you probably don’t know why I am writing this.  What prompted these words out of me?

Religion does nothing for us. Maybe it’s done something for you, but what about us? All of us? Well, as I see it right now, nothing good.  It pulls us apart.  Creates false equivalents to non-realities and gives some weak ground to stand on to support their ideas they want pushed onto others.  Often ideas based on nothing real and lack the effort to understand beyond the surface what it as stake. And in my opinion, nothing scarier then an angry Christian, (oxymoron).

Religion causes wars.  Religion right now has us calling each other names and making accusations based on information not based on facts. Some are assuming the worst when for the most part truly only the best of intentions are meant. But it somehow doesn’t fit into their box, their way. Some of us, a few of us have decided they are the ones to decided what is right for all the rest.  And some basing thoughts and ideas on what one person is saying, (Jim Jones?).

One side is so afraid of fear that they can’t think past that.  Their hearts are closed and even hardened.  Eyes closed, arms crossed and pass on harm, even trauma human to human. So much for, ‘all gods children’.

What are you afraid of?  The unknown I guess can be scary, but the unknown you fear now is craftily hidden in lies and the perpetuation of non truths by lost fearful people. (another judgment, yes)

We lack confidence that people are good and know what is best for them and lack imagination or an interest to seek truth.

The bible, some read it cover to cover.  Some read the words.  Some like my Mom, go deeper.  Context.  Who was it written for and why?  What was happening that needed to be addressed all those many years ago?

It’s not even a complete document.  Who chose the books and why?  Why not the others, the Apocrypha?  Why were those left out?  The last book, why is it last?  Did it almost not make it in?  What, who and why is it in the order that it is?  What was the intention of those people?  

Fear is blinding.  Fear is not productive it will end us all.  One by one, restriction by restriction.  It will keep us in fear of a fear that is not a reality, but again just a lie that one needs to keep their ego feed and their place in a world that they were lost.  

Who benefits from the sale of bibles?

Bible for sale, gently used.

-I am afraid that through others fears I will somehow be relegated  to a confinement or restrictions based on my beliefs, not my actions, but my beliefs.  I fear this for everyone, family, friends and those now pushing their beliefs on me. That laws will without provocation be passed that will have restriction and disenfranchise many like we have never seen before.  Don’t we have enough of that already with our history? And within those restrictions, those who feel they have a religion to back up their law, I feel will one day be surprised at the laws that follow that will restrict their own life.

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To my aging friends with kids

This is one of those, not so fun topics.  However, I’m not having any fun, so here we go.

If you are my age or older, even before actually, 50’s, 60’s and I’d say no later than 70’s.  Please consider this.

Sit down very soon with your kids and have the conversation about what happens when the body and the mind start to fail. And this can be a two way conversation. It can happen to the kids too.

Have a will, a Power of Attorney and be sure that the POA and all of your financial holdings play nice together.  Actually, I’m not sure that’s really possible. Anyway, this means you may need to update them on a regular basis. How does the POA work when all of a sudden you are incapacitated or worse, you and your “agent” mirror declining cognition and your alternate has to pay the bills or make decisions.

And, don’t forget the Health Care Directive. (I guess those are still honored? (Unless SCOTUS finishes their path of personal destruction of individual freedoms).

If you or your partner get a diagnosis of any thing closely resembling Dementia, or any cognitive issue, start right then and there to find a place that can care for you until end of life.  House or apartment, to assisted living, to nursing home, to memory care, etc.  AND MOVE!  And do it within a year. Do not wait.

Know and recognize that the pace of Dementia is not up to you.  You have no control over how quickly you or your partner will no longer know simple things like, how to use a phone, address, what day it is, where they are or how long an hour is.

Make these decision together and before they have to be done alone, by the kid or someone else for you. And DO NOT AVOID it! Live in reality. And if you live to be 120 and have no issues, you’ll still have a place to live and do whatever the hell you want when you want to do it!

While this is me saying this, and I know there are lots of thoughts about this, there is no shame in admitting the inevitable.  When you sleep, eat, watch TV, sleep again, what does it matter where you do that? If you travel, well you can travel from anywhere! For me the shame and guilt is what I had to do in May. 

My parents 10 years ago did make a decision to move to a house in a community that essentially has several levels of service, homes to end of life care.  What they didn’t do was make the last decision for themselves while they could have.  I will say, not that I didn’t try to make that happen.  One thinking the other was worse off, when all along they were declining just as quickly together.  They may be smart, or clever, but the brain is unforgiving.  Be direct and ask tough questions. Especially if you aren’t there in person to see or watch what is happening. The brain is in charge and will take its course as it chooses. No shame, no guilt, just what it wants to do.

If you don’t do this, then prepare the kids(or yourself) for days, weeks and potentially months of guilt and being talked to like they are a scammer or a criminal when they are just tying to take care of you and get what is rightfully due you that can be verified by the facility they are in or the doctor you’ve provided to them to verify.  Or worse yet, not being able to find a nice, clean place to care for you. I’m calling this, prancing through the dog and pony show…biting my tongue all the way. Hoop after hoop after hoop.

Be careful how you handle bank accounts, retirement accounts. Any action there, depending on how you are listed on an account, they say, will be perceived as a gift it you try to do things, like request a live check to be direct deposited. That would look like a gift…cause it’s all a huge f*cking gift!

I know some will say, I got this.  It’s all under control.  I’m going to say, no it’s not.  No you won’t. Take care of it yourself and your kids when you can, NOW.

There is nothing that I know that prepares you for or helps you through any of this. To my knowledge, there is no one source that you can go to who can offer you, step, 1,2,3,4,5… And I have to say why not?

Where my parents are is okay. I am sure there are nicer places and certainly worse. But my question, why do they not have an advocate there who could help me through each step? Have a list of resources to point me in the right direction to ensure they have everything they need and deserve. I signed a lot of papers, but none of it was, now here are the things you will need or want to do, this insurance, this form, that form, this agency, this legal aspect, how this bill gets paid, how this claim gets filed. I am flying blind and further, deeper into a space that makes me just want to turn it all off and run away.

Yes, there is Elder Law. I’m now on that path, but they don’t cover it all. It’s not inclusive. That I can tell.

Be kind to yourself and to those who will have to take care of things for you.

P.S. beware of the address change via USPS. Somehow…I do not know how yet, but those non-profit, bulk mailings that are received, the ones that come with the labels, note pads, dollars, magnets, stickers and calendars, they somehow get the new address from somewhere and will now be sending your kids or who ever is getting your first class mail ALL of that! Not forwarded, sent directly to them and your address!

Three days of mail. THREE!! All non-profit asking for money. Thanks Mom…

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lost holiday

I ended my last post with a quote;

“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

~ Bryan Stevenson

When it happens to you, you do look at it differently.  Certainly when it happens to someone close who you love.  When what happens is done by someone you  love, you still look at it differently.  I think you discover who you truly are in that reality.  Maybe even who you have been all along and then wonder, why wasn’t I vocal about this earlier.  Not just because it’s there in front of you now, but maybe because it doesn’t actually do what it is supposed to do, justice.  While not exactly, but kind of like what is said in the face of of the tragedy or sadness, why did “this” have to happen to bring us together, why did we wait? Then the question, does it really bring you together?

Regardless of what it was or is, there are layers.  There are parts that not everyone knows about.  Or may ever know about. There are parts that because of how we let others tell the story based on others stories, the story our story is rarely told in truth and often lost because it’s something no one wants to touch.  Or because of the story, told as is potentially while true, again isn’t the whole story and creates a shadow.  A shadow that without further analysis, is extreme.

This is the weekend our lives changed.   Easter weekend.  Easter used to mean something when I was a kid.  I think?   Now,  it’s an  annual  reminder of an arrest.   A shift in our fabric, in our comfort.  A shift that still years later,  has no real resolution.  No real answers except the judgement of one man of another who decided that 360 months was the answer.  No help, no therapy, no rehabilitation, 360 months.

Some will say it is just.  Some, maybe me, think it extreme.   I will fully admit that is based on what I know, who I know and not the whole story.  The whole truth.  Yet I still believe that it is extreme.  Incarceration, more often that not doesn’t solve what the real issue or trouble is that lies within.  It feels the easy way out, lazy.  Quick answer, done, next.

~~

Why do we avoid conversation or the person with an indiscretion?  Or those close to that person? Is it fear?  Guilt?  Thinking, am I like them?  Guilt by association? Not knowing what to say?  Believe me, I don’t know what to say either. The impact of silence and isolation pile on to an already enormous mountain of fear, question and guilt in itself. And the silence is … can’t find the words yet to describe.

It is an enormous loss. 

The impact is enormous on everyone on all sides. 

Three hundred and sixty. 

Thirty years.

Thirty. 

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i can’t

In an effort to try to understand the other side, well the saying goes,

I can’t. (sorry Grandma)

I’ve decided that life is too short and hard enough as it is, so I will respect others and stop trying to figure it(them) out.  I have plenty on my plate.  

I will not devalue or do anything to disenfranchise another human in anyway in word or deed.  

I will not impose or proclaim my beliefs of truth, equality and fairness on adversaries.

I will live true to that which I have held in high regard for years as core values, love, compassion, acceptance, tolerance and inclusion.

I will acknowledge that those values I hold true are and will to me feel diametrically opposed to some I know or thought I knew.  Them to mine.

I will acknowledge and honor that every single one of us has within us basic goodness. Even within the greatest of division.

I will live on the side of love, compassion, acceptance, tolerance and inclusion. 

“May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live with ease”.

“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”
~ Bryan Stevenson

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emotions | the middle

Where to put it all.

Most days I am overwhelmed by emotions.  Before COVID I had  to learn to manage this in public.  Now, in the privacy of my own home, I can be or feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it.  Before going 100% remote, it was painful and exhausting to hold back some emotions in the office and on the bus.  Those times when, you may understand, when whatever it is there  is just nothing you can do to keep the tears inside.   

Most days I struggle with where  I am in support of causes or what I perceive as injustice.  Often I find myself in the middle and it seems there isn’t much room in the middle  anymore.  You are  either on one side or  the  other.  This is untenable for me.  Untenable  because  I believe people  should  be allowed individual freedoms.  Yet, there are strong forces that are pulling us miles apart. Some of the pulling are leaders some of us have voted or continue to vote into office.

I support Black Lives Matter.  I also support law enforcement and the rule of law.  Because I believe, I have to believe that there are good police officers.  That said, black and brown people are black and  brown 24/7, 365 days a year not 40 hours a week. Now you think I don’t really support law enforcement.  Fine. I do.  Legal, unbiased and fair law enforcement. 

I made the choice to get vaccinated.  I won’t lie or hide it, I do think others should because I see it saving lives and I also see the stress and exhaustion on the faces and in the voices of the Nurses and Doctors I support everyday.  I hear the pain of loss and feel their struggles daily.  That hits me at my core. I also believe that is a personal choice and decision to get a vaccination and it should not be forced.  What I read says it  saves  lives and can get us back to a bit or a normal  life.  Others read the opposite.  So here we are, divided.  I grew up in a time when it wasn’t questioned.  It was seen as a way to preserve life and minimize illness.  

I saw this on Instagram; “@journey_to_wellness] Who says having a wide range of emotions in one day is a bad thing? 

Our emotions are there to tell us something. Maybe they’re nudging you to rest, to spend time with a friend, or whatever it is that you take away from them. The feelings we feel so profoundly are what make us human. 

So whether your wheel of emotions today looks like the one of the left or right, whatever your feeling today is entirely okay. 💕”

My chart, happy is a little smaller and most days, motivated and excited are taken over by stress, anxiety and exhaustion.  And the exhaustion comes from feeling and realizing the exhaustion of others for the most part.  What have I got to be tired about?  Well, a couple things, but not ready to actually tell that story here yet. 

I am in the middle more and more each day.  More than I care to be, yet here I  am.  Maybe an assumption?  Maybe a reality.  My reality, I am in  the middle of so much and have no avenue or platform to have any affect on that personally, locally, yet alone globally.   Which in my reality is not for me to push or try to change with others.  You have to come to your  own conclusions.  And  we have to  realize that often those will  not be the same.  

Ultimately we  all have access to the same information.  We all, for the most  part have access to every bit of information in many forms.  I think it’s our DNA that determines where we go, where we lean.

And by DNA, I don’t just mean biological.  That could be part of it,  but the DNA  that we have within us from our lived experiences of life.   The good and the bad.   The new and the old.  And by old I mean past lives.  Yes, I believe there is something to that.

Our lived experiences are as vast and diverse as we are.  Easy childhood, difficult childhood, adversity, wealth, poverty, abuse, neglect, love, disdain, adoration, abundance, lack, isolation.  What does that do with our DNA and how does that  affect of influence our relationships?  How does that affect our response or reaction to what comes to us.

I’m not physiologist, nor have I studied psychology to the extent that it gives  me any  credibility to speak to this.  I can speak from my understanding of my experience and years of observation.  

Insecurity reveals itself in many ways.  Me, saying I need to keep my words to myself and thinking I should stay quiet, it is my feeling that I wasn’t given much opportunity to speak out as a child or teenager.  Knowing and now understanding  introversion, odds were against me.  What others had to say or say to me, was more important.  Which maybe is why I easily headed down that path of religion in high school, people listened to me.

While I have  settled into it a bit, I live a secondary life to everyone I am in relationship with.  Many of us do, but there are some who have that one that is of the utmost importance, that one they think of when they wake up and when they go to sleep.  If I’ve ever had that, I didn’t know it.  And that’s okay.  That’s not what this life was  to be about for me.

What happened in your childhood do you believe affects how you interact or respond to another person?  Have you considered their experience and how that has affected their relationship with you?  Their response or reaction to you? I’ve said, at least to myself, I believe that more often than not, a response to someones words or actions are more a reflection of the person hearing or receiving not giving.  Of course if it goes deeper, then both bring to the conversation, the situation their own … let’s just call it, baggage.  And very often, I think has nothing to do with what is happening in that moment.  What happened to you when you were 8 or 9 is triggered.  And I bet 99.9% of the time neither has any idea that time is seeping into now.  It is.  Maybe we should all do a chart and put in it what happened to us as a kid so that we can have it for awareness and carry it around. If you have issues with trust and you are having a conversation with someone who has issues with trust. Guess what?

I am in the middle and have been since a child.  If only I were a actually a middle child I’d have more to work with. I know that plays into who I am today and the relationships I am in.  I would however like to shake some of that, but I’m not sure I can.  It is deep in me and as I grew up and realized that being in the middle was where I was.  As I got older I also had to come to terms with what that actually meant.  Sometimes I felt like in that middle space, I was more of a pawn in a game for some.  Something to barter with for love and affection or control of me.  Also  probably why I don’t care to control anything…exhausting.  Let it go.  

Most days I feel I have let this go.  But has it served me?  Being in the middle or letting go?  I also know that it will alway be there as reminder to me.  Yet, I can’t always control how it presents.

Again, I haven’t studied phycology a great deal, but that does tend to be where I  read when seeking out answers.  And have been in  therapy a few times.  So as I was writing this I found an old article in Psychology Today, “6 Ways that a Rough Childhood Can Affect Adult Relationships”.  Number 4 kind of hit home;

4. Avoidance of relationships: “I’m someone who is better off alone.”

Alternatively, people with negative developmental experiences involving intimate relationships may opt to avoid closeness and isolate themselves. Sometimes this starts early on and sometimes later, as an attempt to break the cycle of harmful relationships. But healthy relationships with other people are crucial for personal development, presenting opportunities for growth and change. Missing out on them in adulthood as a self-protective measure further impairs development of a fully adult identity, solidifying a self-perception of unworthiness and self-condemnation. There are many exceptions to the feeling that we are too flawed for others, who deserve better. Most of us have the capacity to offer more than we think we do, and thereby become more appreciative of ourselves. It’s too complicated for here to talk about hope, faith in oneself, and how a long process of recovery unfolds. It’s worth noting that sometimes we unconscious push people away, appearing to ourselves be a threat when we do not so intend.

In terms of harmful relationships, mine were not harmful like others.  I wasn’t physically abused.  But maybe I was manipulated or used.  Do any of us really know how  to navigate life in a clear and balanced way?  Do most of us think that someone is out to get us or is there to disrupt our life, take something away from us, to ruin our day or make us feel something? My Mom has said to me many times, ‘people don’t make you feel something, you let them make you feel it’.  

We all struggle.  Who knows how to do any of this?  Who knows anything?  I know I don’t.  I just know that I want there to be fairness.  I want people to treat each other with kindness and care.  I want the lens of fair to be so sharp  and bright that there can be no question. 

Right now I am still in the middle and while I know the side I would move to if I had to I will still fight for the other side as well.  As long as their goal is also equality, fairness and no one is harmed.  Right now, I don’t see that or feel it and I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with my childhood, but pure lack of enough concern for humanity and a lot of misinformation. We have to fight together and fight our personal bias.  We all want our rights and our freedoms, we can’t eliminate those for others because they believe or feel differently.

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Almost…

Deep reflection is not a new space for me.  Writing things down is not new either.  Actually putting them out to be seen by anyone is still something I don’t do that often.  Some of you may disagree.  If I showed you my Cloud, Notes, email drafts and old blogs no one knows about. I think you would get it.

I almost let someone silence me recently because they twisted my words to lash out at me for something and I questioned my ability to articulate a thought. I am not a bad person, I do deserve respect and I will continue to fight for equality for everyone in all aspects of life.  And I will speak out.

I’ve been called sardonic, yes.  I’ve been called judicious, yes.  I’ve been called dark, yes.  I’ve been called solid, no.  But never, “this tells me that you don’t want anyone to have freedom of choice, not women in danger, or any person who wants to have freedom of choice”.  What?? At least to my face and uh, not what I said. 

Oh, ‘I’ve been called solid, no’. In case you are wondering. This is my shield, my protection. No I am not solid. In reality, I am a melting mess 75% of the time. Kind of like this post. And it is exhausting even in normal times.  But now?  Family stuff, COVID, racial injustice, division over things like science and a cloth to protect each other from a virus that’s killed… where does it end? It will not end.

I will however acknowledge that how I reacted to what is happening in Texas, maybe could have been done in a better way. That said,  my question stands and more or less is saying, maybe not asking, what’s the next law another state will pass that infringes  on the rights of its citizens.  And now the DOJ agrees.

Ironically, that was exactly my point of the post I shared and my words were twisted.  I do absolutely expect that if not stopped our freedoms will be whittled away by white men trying to control what they have no legal, or moral right to.  Period!  

So here it is.

Ironic – The expression of one’s meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

Sarcasm- The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

Which is why this;

“Private individuals in Texas can now sue anyone who performs or aids banned abortions, including doctors and even an Uber driver taking a patient to an abortion clinic. Plaintiffs, who need not have any connection to the matter, can win $10,000 in damages.” NYTimes

Made me say this; 

So, can I sue someone for not getting a COVID vaccine?  What if they infect a love one who then dies?  Seems like I should be able to do that.

NO!  I DO NOT THINK THAT LAWS SHOULD BE PASSED LETTING CITIZENS SUE EACH OTHER!

Sotomayer’s Defiant Dissent  

Honestly, this is what I believed happened. Psychological projection a defense mechanism in which the ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others.[1] A bully may project their own feelings of vulnerability onto the target, or a person who is confused may project feelings of confusion and inadequacy onto other people. Projection incorporates blame shifting and can manifest as shame dumping.[2] Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection.[3]

We live in very trying times.  We are pitted against each other with falsehoods and misinformation.  Not so long ago I said, assumptions are killing us. 

Your belief is not right for every one. Your truth with out credible facts that can be referenced or even offered are not truth but your opinion.  Of which you are entitled to. However;

These are my opinions.  And I would fight to the end to say that my opinions or thoughts are a fight for freedoms for everyone on this planet.  Especially for those I love.  There is a minority ruling the majority right now and that is scary and the consequences feel evil.

My truth may not be yours, but I believe they are rooted in the fair an equal treatment of every human being on this planet.  Do you not want that?  Or do you want more than your neighbor or the person across the office or passing you in the aisle of the grocery?

I believe we all do want the best for others, but un-investigated or acknowledged bias within each of us does impact how that best is defined and how we see it in others.  (My opinion, maybe. Or a truth).

There are many things that worry me because of the potential downstream impact on humans.  Regardless of the side of the aisle you are on, when laws start getting past to restrict freedoms, they won’t just be the one you agree with.

If a state, Texas can pass a law like this, my point or my reaction was the lunacy of this.  What’s next? We are in precarious times and the slopes are slippery.

~Legal Defense Fund statement on Supreme Court decision.

The social media  platform is a hit and run environment. Don’t hit and run.  Be brave enough to look me straight in the eye if you are going to accuse me of being someone that I am not.

You know that Maya Angelou quote?

Wrote about that last time cause I’m having trouble with “This”.

Except for a few years in my late teens of radical fundamental christian self-righteousness judgement, I am who you met the first time.  Maybe I was a bit guarded or you may have even thought me aloof.   But I am me. An introvert who keeps her circle small and loves that if I don’t want to I don’t have to leave my house.

Saying the last couple of weeks have been deep reflection is an understatement. In the beginning my reflection immediately lead me to believe I should be silent.  No more posts, no more commentary on the injustice I see today.  No one needs to hear from me.  And I know I’m not going to change anyones mind. 

I would like to think that albeit my delivery is sometimes, sardonic or sarcastic or even ironic, you know me and know what I meant.

I used to say that I was more silent than verbal because I often had this deep feeling that my words had no value or no one was ready to hear what I had to say, therefore I saved my words. Literally.  Or who would care what I thought.  I would save them until someone was ready.  

One has already decided that I am no longer the person they thought I was. A message to her. Nothing is further from the truth.  But your opinion is yours and yours alone.  While wrong, I will respect that.  And no matter what, I will be here if and when you call.

I imagine they might not read this, but I want this to be clear, my post was trying to point out the lunacy of a government  passing laws and regulating what choices a woman makes for herself.  New Texas law removes that right and  allows someone, anyone to sue anyone helping  a woman or child get an abortion.  At its very worst, a father can rape his daughter no matter her age then sue if she tries to abort a child as result of that rape.  As I read somewhere,  this is a blueprint for other states to follow suit. 

My friend Ken said,

Thanks Ken!

Sometime in their own struggles or pain, others will project their fears, their struggles onto you.  They will judge you and question your core.  I nearly let this happen and it almost silenced me. While an important time of reflection and thought about what is important to me, I will not be silenced or manipulated to conform to another’s self projection on who I am.  

A conversation does not happen in the comments section, DM or email.  They happen face to face, a conversation.  A talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged. The other is noise and pointless.  If you want to question something I say and don’t have my number to call to meet, then ask me for it. And yes, I’m a little guilty here with this post.

I was raised as and am a bleeding heart liberal for god’s sake! Not a radicalized version of anything. Well, in liberal terms I guess.

When I see something and respond, or react, it comes directly from core.  My desire for fair and equal treatment of all humans period.  And in the reason for this post, my ridiculous response to a ridiculous law. 

Yet we don’t live in a fair society.  While many are saying don’t take my freedoms they are supporting taking freedoms away from others and can’t see past their ego or fears.  How does EVERYONE not see that? We are a mess. And Texas…

Side bar – I’m also a bit unsettled about the vaccine mandate. I need time to rattle that around and might come back later. Right now I will say, what about my right to live and work is a safe place free of a virus that is deadly. How am I protected if others aren’t?

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don't speak...don't speak!

This

This is a hard one for me lately. In all honesty, I have to say some are not who I believed them to be the first time.

When I think of all the people I know, and think about or try to think about the first time I ever met them, what I knew and what I know often are two very different things. So while I love this quote, the world we live in today, or my world it is no longer truth. I have view or visibility of many that I have known since kindergarten or before. I have amazing, fond memories of them all. In the last few years, I have seen or read certain commentary from some that break my heart. That send me running with tears in my eyes vowing to never read Facebook again, never go to Twitter or Instagram again because it’s so disheartening.

We are broken. We are overwhelmed with information most of which is agenda to gather us up and pit us against each other. Some days makes me wish Reagan or Bush were back in office. It feels as if our very own personal needs are taking over any consideration of anyone outside our individual personal beleif. While yelling don’t tread on me, we are treading on others. We are not on a one way street.

How is it that some of us grew up in the same class rooms listening to the same teachers. Sat in the same pews, listening to the same minister and now are so far apart in terms of what I remember being thought about the bible and a man named Jesus. What I thought was character. What I thought was morality. What I thought was ethical. It’s now a harsh and judgmental view from what I remember being taught.

I heard today that another one of the youth group leaders from the church I grew up in passed away. Rest in Peace Warren Kennedy. These were caring, compassionate and engaged individuals who were present in every way. Leaders who I still hold dear today when I think about how I think about others and how I speak of others. Kind, gentle souls who gave to us time they didn’t have to. Time they could have spent at home.

Yet today, it feels some have forgotten the gentle kind nature of extending a thought or an arm to another. The care in listening to those around you to cast no stone or a disparaging word. Our anger has taken over and we are projecting on others our unfounded fears of what tomorrow might bring.

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don't speak...don't speak!

Fear

I have this thought that fear has taken over our ability to live and love with an open heart.
Fear of losing what we believe rightfully belongs to us. To which I have to ask, what does belong to us? What does belong to you? Belong; the property of. Property. You are not property. I am not property. Your kids are not, your spouse is not, etc. etc. etc. Maybe you belong to a church, a group, a community, but you are still not property.

So is it a fear of losing something that is inherently your own personal beliefs, yours and yours alone? No one can take that away from you, it is yours and yours alone. Celebrate it, but don’t hold it over another.

Here’s the thing. There are probably eight billion people in the world. So imagine how many of those who have beliefs that are not yours or even diametrically opposed to you. This is our world, this is your world. It is not a threat unless you open yourself up to the difference and see it as a threat. Freedom is freedom and to place your belief over another is a shadow over another their freedom. We have a lot of work to do in terms of equality. Lots of work.

If we replaced our fear with understanding, that while we may have a different faith or a different political affiliation, are we taking the time to understand the human and the heart of our neighbor, our co-worker or friend? Are we there to listen to understand and embrace the difference and not as a threat to our own belief?

It started early for me, grade school. When I think about it today, I feel that lump in my throat and it makes me sad. There was a girl in my many of my classes who because of her religion, her Mom came and picked her up for any and all holiday celebrations the rest of us had. Her Mom came picked her up and she left school. While I didn’t see it, I see it now like I had, she and her Mom walking down that long empty hall to leave her class because we needed to celebrate Halloween. Even then I thought, why are we doing something that excludes this person? Why do the rest of us have to be so arrogant that our belief, our celebration is so much more important that we allowed it to exclude her?

Some of you know me. Some of you don’t, really. What both of you have in common is that you do not truly know my heart. We haven’t had the opportunity to have that conversation. You do not know my deepest beliefs. I don’t know yours. You might think you have a hint or an idea because of something I put here. Or I might think I know you because of a post. But neither is knowing the heart.

Some of your shared posts that say, whatever, are generalizations that exclude your friends and neighbors and they have no foundation of truth. And actually are counter to what I think the intention is.

We are humans. We have hopes, dreams and aspirations. We all believe differently, even if we sit next to each other in the pew on Sunday morning. My belief, your belief will never be THE belief of a world full of billions.

How do we come together in harmony? Let go a little of the fear, hold your truth and allow your heart to be open to others and celebrate the beauty of the differences. Our hopes and dreams aren’t that different.

Peace.

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don't speak...don't speak!

Racism

When I think about what I know about racism, I know that I have a lot to learn. I have only hit the surface, the top of the iceberg. But I am trying. I realized that I am far from understanding the depth and breadth of this insidious ideology. I do know that when I read or see what today I know to be racist, my heart stops, and my shoulders drop. More often than not, tears come to my eyes from that lump in my throat that pushes it’s way out. How to I make it stop?

I am naive, yet realistic in the fact that this is the largest mountain, obstacle, issue we face as a nation. I don’t think it’s because there are more racists than not. It’s that idea of our ability to become anti racists and stop every action we see and hear no matter how small or large.

It is many things. It comes in word. It comes in song. I comes in spray paint on a wall, or a billboard. It comes in a statue that was set to honor someone who demoralized and dehumanized other human beings. That in and of itself can come in many forms. Mental and physical. Through the abuse of ownership and belittling. Oppression and suppression, taking away the ability for another human to do more than they did yesterday. Or even in their lifetime.

I do have a lot to learn. However, I know this much is true, the more I read and listen to black voices, the more angry I get. The more exhausted I feel. And that’s not just me describing my feeling, yes I feel it, but the anger and the exhaustion that I am feeling is what I hear in those voices. The pure exhaustion of BIPOC just trying to leave the house, drive a car, go to the park, on their sofa watching TV, in their bed sleeping peacefully, get the job they are more than qualified for, being heard in a meeting and then not getting credited for what they have just said. Raising their hands, getting handcuffed and still killed. The pure exhaustion of even trying to act like it’s not there, that it’s not real, that some behind there smiles are ready to cut them back and put them in their place. Imagine you had to exist every day with the straight up aggression of someone questioning you doing something in your own damn front yard or a micro-aggression done with a smile. I can’t even imagine either or which is worse.

We have troubling laws and policies that support this insidious behavior. Yes, laws that make much of this not even an offense, but ok. This is NOT OK! And we have some law enforcement that are color blind and only see black and see their only action is, to put them in their place. This is not who any of us should be, but I fear who we are. Because if we don’t stop it, what are we?

People are in the streets. As they should be. Honestly, if you really look back at history and not the “history” in the history books, but true, actual history. None of us would be where we are today if someone didn’t go into the streets and say, this is wrong. And I honestly don’t think some of us get that. I also honestly believe that some don’t get that those people in the streets are protecting us all from what this administration is trying to strip from us every day. The very thing that men and women volunteer to fight for us every day.

People are breaking windows and steeling things. Stealing “THINGS”! Things that these very large companies have insurance for and will loose nothing in the grand scheme of things. The loss is infinitesimal to the loss of life. Do you not agree? How about we get as outraged about someone who was killed for no reason and stop worrying about who got away with a material object. What is our fascination and allegiance with objects and not people? When did a shoe, a tv, a handbag, or a phone become more important than a human life?

I have no answers. My heart aches every day as I listen and hear black voices asking to just be treated equally and not seen as the enemy. To be considered human.

I have more listening to do.

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don't speak...don't speak!

Division

Division. Could it be in our DNA? Biological? Or of our soul?

Each and everyone of us are on a path. A journey of this life, here on this earth. I believe that there are many paths and many levels. We are all born on a date and progress year by year, each year adding one number. I will be 60 in November. I also believe I have a soul age. A soul that is not here on this earth for the first time. That I have brought with me to this life, lives before where lessons were learned or unlearned and now I work through both to leave this earth with a better understanding of myself and humanity. A better understanding of humanity to take with me to my next life, lessons learned and unlearned.

In many ways while almost entering may 60th year, I do wonder truly how old my soul is. If you will allow me, for some this will feel like a judgement or even a stretch, I think my souls journey puts me maybe in my early 30’s. As I sit with this, think about this, read others who think like this, I am closer to a more wholistic and harmonious understanding of humanity because of the journey my soul has been on.

Warrior, Freedom Fighter, wife, husband, sister, brother, all that I bring with me here has been a lesson to assist me in the navigation of this wide and complex universe.

This, in my opinion if our divide. I have jokingly in the past been known to say, “are you new?” or “are they new?”. When I say this, it is from my observation as to how one may handle a situation or encounter. So while my great friend who is approaching the birth year of say 45, they may only have a soul that is 5, or 12 … or 16. So a less mature heart or soul if you will. One who sees or takes in some information with a much younger soul approach.

In Michael Newton’s book Journey of Souls: Case Studies of the Life Between Lives, he says; “THERE are two types of beginner souls: souls who are truly young in terms of exposure to an existence out of the spirit world, and souls who have been reincarnating on Earth for a long period of relative time, but still remain immature. I find beginner souls of both types in Levels I and II.”

Think about how those around you react or act in certain interactions. Are they reasonable, reasoning responsive adults as we my frame it or are they a petulant reactionary child wanting everyone to see things there way are as they believe them to be right. And then when they catch opposition, storm out of the room?

Granted opposition these days can and is very cruel and hurtful. I’ve seen a lot of if unacceptable and unnecessary. Not an opposition the breads positive growth or positive, reasonable adult conversation to move us forward. A certain level of indignation has been leased and there is no stopping it.

I try to protect my heart, eye’s and ears from the harm that happens today, yesterday and will what most certainly happen tomorrow. But I can’t stay or be blind to the shift in the care that we hold for those we know or those around us. Sometimes I see or read something and I am gobsmacked and honestly at a complete loss for words. Anger is real and I think we all know, not a path to change that will be productive or even promote a growth of heart we are all worthy of. I say or ask, look at your anger. Where is it truly coming from? Where are you honestly going to put it. Is it fear? Are you loosing your place? Are you not ready for the world as it truly is and should be?

Most days in my mind the division is untenable because we refuse to listen to understand. We speak to change a mind, change a heart, move someone to our way of thinking or believing. That my way or the highway. And now, some of us are just taking to that highway making to effort to understand. We all have to pick out battles, but which ones will feed not only our soul, but the soul of every brother, sister, cousin, every being in existence. If you deserve a certain amount of freedom, justice or value, why do you disapprove of some who only want that as well. Nothing more, nothing less.


I realized that with my truths and my beliefs they are diametrically opposed to those of others who I am friends with and in some cases have deep history with. Some I spent many a Sunday in class and in the balcony listening to the sermon. History of respect, admiration and even in the past a longing to be more like this person or that person. Be like them for many reasons, intelligence, knowledge, family, adventure and in the past material possessions. All of those have now washed away.

Some I have believed carry the care and compassion for others that now seems, feels to be askew. I’ll call it what it feels like to me, their intolerance for those who are different from them in thought, deed and action. No regard for the plight of the other, their experience or their life and the struggles there. No recognition or acknowledgment of how that difference is oppression. And how as much as they loath to admit it so deeply oppressive that the only thing to call it is racism.

We can change. We can shift. We can collectively embrace communities that only want to be part of the system, part of the conversation and not fear in some cases to just leave their house. Until they say it, until they feel it, until it is real, for me it will remain and i will continue to support Black Lives Matter.