Jun 27 2018

Dear Uncle – unearthed

I would guess late 80’s to early 90’s. Partial letter, unedited;

This world as I see it, through eyes that are naive and sheltered is a world of turmoil, anguish, death, pain, love. This world is full of families that do not talk to each other. A world full of people with fears, anxieties, and misunderstanding. Why is it that some need to create more tension around themselves? How can I be an example to people, do I have the right to attempt to be an example? Am I worthy, what can I offer to those around me to make them understand or see that tension is not necessary, not required.

Every day I feel a desire to become secluded and isolated not because I want to forget the work and those around me, I just need some time to think. Some time to reflect on what I am doing, what has happened to me and what I need to do next. I don’t know where this need comes from at times I think it comes from my head. Other times it comes from deep within my soul at a place I am so unfamiliar with. a place that I have so little knowledge of. My hunger to discover this place overwhelms me at times and makes me impatient makes me restless. Making me feel that somehow I have a power to carry the calm, peacefulness that I believe we all desire to somehow display a better life and influence. That’s probably asking a lot of myself. I think that my life is too cluttered with things and think that these things are what has caused part of that problem. That I need to make my life simpler.

The questions, are there too many? Do the questions add to my confusion? Are the answers as important as I feel that they are? My train of thought is weak now I’m not putting together ideas, my thoughts are broken. Apart of me believes or things that a broken family means a broken person. So how can I be complete? When I say broken, I don’t mean through divorce like is usually attached to broken family. Broken through detachment, separation and again confusion. A part of my life I sometimes so badly wish would just go away, leave my thoughts, leave my soul. I long for a cleansing. It fills my dreams, my thoughts, my daily life, sometimes consuming me. For so long my life was my life, they were my life. The life I lived as a child. Yet, I was not their life. Otherwise, how could they have questioned and doubted me so. My pain, my intent.


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 5.26.18

Matthew ~ Luke ~ James

Matthew 7:1-5 ~
1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Luke 6:37-42 ~
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” 39 He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40 The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher. 41 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

James 4:11-12 ~
11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

Luke 6:31-36 ~
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

These mean something to me. I guess you could say I take these literally. Which is a hard statement for me to process because I don’t take this book that was written centuries ago in its entirety literally? I just can’t.

As a Buddhist, I also don’t take books about the Dharma or the Buddha literally because of how long ago they were transcribed. Because words are lost in translation and what was happening then that needed attention. But I can, hopefully, intellectually and with an open compassionate heart assimilate it to today, at this moment. And use it to be respectful of others.

How do you pray for things?

What kind of things do you “pray” for?

Are these questions you or I should have to answer to or for anyone?

For me, this brings in the question of respect.

What is prayer?
“a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship.”

How do you support or work to pull attention to things that are important to you?

Would you risk your entire future and livelihood to bring attention to what you believe to be an injustice? Many are right now and many object. Why?

A kneel is a kneel is a kneel. Unless you time it incorrectly in someone else’s eye. I’d want to take a close look at the heart behind that eye.

“This is the tale of two Christian sports personalities, one of whom is the darling of the American church while the other is reviled. And their differences reveal much about the brand of Christianity preferred by many in the church today.”

The flag ~
Literally, the thirteen stripes on the flag represent the thirteen original colonies. The fifty stars represent the fifty current states. Figuratively, the flag stands for freedom and democracy. It represents the unity of America, our common cause, and the hope for a better tomorrow.

In some of my “stuff”, I came across these two small stickers. A little smaller than a business card a bit bigger than a stamp. Is it code?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_the_United_States

“The Flag Code prohibits using the flag “for any advertising purpose” and also states that the flag “should not be embroidered, printed, or otherwise impressed on such articles as cushions, handkerchiefs, napkins, boxes, or anything intended to be discarded after temporary use”.[84] Both of these codes are generally ignored, almost always without comment.

Section 8, entitled Respect For Flag states in part: “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery”, and “No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform”. Section 3 of the Flag Code[85] defines “the flag” as anything “by which the average person seeing the same without deliberation may believe the same to represent the flag of the United States of America”.

An additional part of Section 8 Respect For Flag, that is frequently violated at sporting events is part (c) “The flag should never be carried flat or horizontally, but always aloft and free.”

Huh? ⬆️ that last little paragraph I have trouble with, especially with what follows ⬇️. You know that whole freedoms of speech thing. It seems after the fact. I am sure it’s been added recently and has not always been part of the ‘code’. You tell me.

Although the Flag Code is U.S. federal law, there is no penalty for a private citizen or group failing to comply with the Flag Code and it is not widely enforced—indeed, punitive enforcement would conflict with the First Amendment right to freedom of speech.[86] Passage of the proposed Flag Desecration Amendment would overrule legal precedent that has been established.”


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 5.25.18

Just because you don’t like it.

Just because it doesn’t fit in your box.

Just because you wish it weren’t true.

Does not make it fake or not a truth.


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 5.10.18

I don’t feed the trolls ever. I was tempted this time.

So. She is a woman, I am a woman and that is all that is necessary to accept her unquestionably and say thumbs up and support her?

I think not Steve.

The dumbest argument today.

So. Since she is a woman and I am a woman I should just support her? That how she would handle a crisis situation in times of war shouldn’t be questioned male or female? And that by her ideas seem to be diametrically opposed to mine, I can’t say no to her because we are both women?

Again – DUMBEST argument today.

Does he accept the actions of every male because he is a male? Maybe? Can I guess by his comment that he voted for Trump and is not a fan of anyone who didn’t? I had said, Democrats, but I am hard pressed to say that ONLY Democrats voted for Hilary and that only Republicans voted for Trump.

Would he vote for and support any male just because they are male? I think he may have…


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 4.25.18

Lots of people say lots of things about what is missing today here or there.

What is missing is respect. Respect in word, speech, and deed.

Something my parents taught me by example.

At our very best if we respect each other even in the midst of a difference of opinion, imagine, just imagine what that might do for our discourse? If we continue to disrespect, dehumanize, call each other names and normalize that for no other reason than our differences…well.

I believe that respect is at an astonishingly all time low and I wonder if we can recover.

But I will commit 110% to honorable mutual respect in all ways. And if that makes me a snowflake, how beautiful they are.


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 4.20.18 #2

This one I feel is a bit risky, but here goes.

I am not having a very good day.

I am letting my brain and maybe my imagination takes over a bit.

I think I’d get it if weed made me paranoid and I’d been smoking, but I don’t smoke. And it’s been awhile since the lack of protein sets me off. (heh, wrote this on 4/20…)

I guess I have to put it out there (or here) so that it isn’t a reality.

But my gut is telling me that someone has said something that is sabotaging my job hunt. I don’t know why, but it just feels like it. It feels like that I go down a bit of a path and then it just stops. Silence. Crickets…actually not even crickets.

I know that people are busy. Even gave one the easy way out by saying she didn’t have to reply. Probably a mistake. But that seems like something I don’t even have to do. They just don’t reply. Even one who reached out to connect have a call then went dead silent. I think that one was the one that sent me down this path. Because it’s a company that someone recommended me to before who has, in my opinion, pulled away. Btw, reached out a second time to connect. Nothing.

In the past, my network has worked so well for me. Did being honest about this company or that person turn into my name on some sort of weird blacklist?

I can’t get my head out of it. Even told two friends last week in the biz that I thought that. I think they are the two I can trust? I hope?

But then as I think about it. Why would I want to work with people who discount me because I told the truth about something? It has to be the fear, for example, as to the reason for my one exit and how ridiculous it was that they don’t want it being told what was said to me. And how I’ve had one job since then and they have had 3 maybe 4.

I don’t know. Truly I’d rather never work with or be around most of them, but I do need to work. And I’m just not sure if that will happen.


Jun 26 2018

Looking back….

I write a lot. But I rarely write here.

So I have decided, in an effort to put or get myself out there, I will move many of my “notes” to here so that the one or two people who might show up here randomly to read will have something new to read.

It also might help in the event that all other efforts to save said writing explode and everything is lost in the cloud…

So…here I go!


Jun 26 2018

Looking back, 4.20.18

You very firmly believe what you believe is right. And to a certain degree believe that it is right for everyone. EVERYONE.

Think about that. I’ll wait.

You are you and I am me. I have opinions as well. Here is where I think there is a difference.

I don’t believe that everything I believe is right for everyone. Because everyone is not me.

I don’t have children so there are lots of things that I either pay taxes for or that I do for children because it’s the right thing to do.

I am not married so my taxes are different than my friends who are married. And different because I don’t have dependents. So I guess I put up with that because somehow that is different. Even though I don’t get it.

I have been unemployed several times in the last 20 years and I have taken advantage of services that as an employee I and my companies have paid into. And while unemployed it is my intention to not just take a “job” to get off unemployment. So I may exhaust my claim being strategic about my search risking the self-righteous saying I am being lazy while not knowing a single thing about me all because someone started a fable years ago about a person of color being a welfare queen. My opinion, this person does not exist.

You think that people using help from human services should have to drug screen to get the funds. Have you taken the time to read that is an enormous waste of the very money you are complaining about being spent? That the number of people or this does not affect the overall results? And if you think these people should be tested, what about the others you are paying the salary for, Senate, Congress, city, state officials, the President! What is the difference? Drug screen and background them all, then maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today. Corrupt up to the eyeballs.


Feb 11 2018

Walking

Today I watched a woman be walked by her dog. Seriously. She went left the dog when right…so she went right. The dog stopped, she kept going…she stopped. She started to move the dog stayed…she stayed. She went right the dog went left…so she went left. Isn’t the person supposed to guide the dog on a walk?

Anyway.

I also notice on my walks the signs in my neighborhood. You can’t really walk a block without seeing it.

I think about it a lot. It’s content, it’s intent.

Love wins. Love will win. If we tried just a teeny bit harder. And in my opinion, until love wins, no one wins.

What does love mean? Have we overused the word? I don’t think so, we just need to be true to it. There are a lot of things that I don’t love, but I care enough to be respectful and kind. Being dismissive, mean, or condescending can only promote that. What we accept and tolerate is where we will be.

Sometimes when I think about this I get overwhelmed like when I’m in a place that is dark and at night I can look up at the stars and after a few minutes be taken by how far we are from the rest of everything. How sometimes we take for granted and see ourselves as superior to others. I also sometimes think, are we just the toys in a little girls doll house world in an galaxy far away and we are really ants.

I watch, read and hear what is out there. I think sometimes what you people say or post out there on the interwebs, says more about them than they actually recognize. I read name calling, referencing expletives when talking about another and usually someone I am pretty sure they don’t know. So you are taking the word of another that you don’t really know for speaking truth about someone they probably really don’t know either. But something that person has said or done in their own life somehow now has become the duty of the other person to pass judgement and dispersion, trial, jury and judge. We really are smarter than that. So what is it that gets you so?

Yes we do have a problem with accusation and innuendo, but how do we self correct?

I believe like our government, we have to get so low, go so far past rock bottom because we are entirely too stubborn to admit that we may not be right and that there may be another way.

Try this for a week, with everything you read, see or hear, may your first thought be, love wins. Then think how you feel about what you just read saw or heard.

How ‘bout it. Where do you want to be? If love doesn’t win, what does? If we don’t care enough, what happens? If we don’t care what is said about others how can we care about what is said about ourselves.

Like I said the other day, I’ll protect your voice if you protect mine. Let’s just make sure we are protecting a kinder and gentler voice. The same voice we want for ourselves one of compassion and love.

Love.


Sep 16 2017

Conviction or Confliction

I saw this the other day.

And I thought…unless you are kneeling because you believe that people like yourself are being disenfranchised or the target of discrimination, then don’t.

What if we took that at face value, considered that belief or cause and gave it the same value we give certain things WE take for granted? Freedom for one.

We all want everyone to consider our cause our belief. SOME want everyone to fit into their box of values, my values, my belief, my right and wrong.

Guess what…that can’t work. And I don’t like the word can’t. Turn the table and imagine the person in your site that you are saying should shut up and play, or shut up and sing…turns that phrase on you. Do you really want all freedoms to have limits, restrictions and have levels of acceptance or approval beyond what they are? Honestly, why are you or better, what gives you the right to tell them to shut-up, stand up and be silent? Would you heed their ask? I think not…I know not. The reason you would not kneel is your right. A question, have you read and truly dug in to even try to understand this opposition? I mean really, really listened to understand?

Sometimes in life hard decisions are made. I believe that decisions that are potentially, life changing or affirming for most, are not taken lightly and great consideration is given. I’m also not so naive that I don’t believe that there are a few that aren’t. For someone to risk everything for a cause. That deserves more than mine or anyone’s judgement. It deserve the same consideration I would expect for my belief. Nothing less.

I make decisions for myself based on what is right and good for me and what will hurt no other. I am very certain that there is at least half of the country who believes or feels that some of my decisions are wrong. For individual personal decisions, I don’t believe in right or wrong. Or maybe more, not for me to say right or wrong. Now when I say this, please do not think or feel that I am in anyway more than or better than. The decisions that I make, 100% of them come from my heart and a place of compassion that I can only hope others hold for me. And for those who do not know me, I don’t think you get to say who you think I am, what I am or call me names that are derogatory and in the vain of names that I am certain you would not like to be called. Rethuglican, Libtard, names wrangled to some unsavory version, Obummer, Drumph, tRump, even snowflake. I mean seriously…really? Sticks and stones…. It’s not 1817 or even 1917. It’s 2017 and we can’t go back. And I’ll take snowflake any day over the alternative.

I can only know my immediate circle of people. People that I engage with daily or weekly. I can’t know anyone outside of that circle, or bubble if you prefer, that I have not had direct contact with. I can’t know how any other person experiences life in their space, shoes, world, what ever you choose to call it. I can’t know the hurt that is caused by some of the decisions that some make when they take a stand for something they believe in. But if I call out that person or persons, not fully understanding or having some level of compassion for them, then anything I might say against them is a judgment that I am now, or should not allow myself to espouse.

Some financially support this group or that group. Some strike out and march or write many, many, many letters in support or in opposition of a cause. If you are so certain about everything that you believe to be true that you believe to be good, and that somehow adds to the dismissal of another, try to think of an equivalent for yourself. What might send me to a march or protest? What might send you to your knee?

I am not a person of color. With that I have been given certain liberties that many do not have, period. I do not know what it’s like to be a person of color and see red flashing lights in the rear view mirror. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person of color and have someone follow me through a retail store. I don’t know what it’s like to be a person of color and have assumptions made about me by people I have never met who cannot know me.

People say respect this inanimate object because it means this, or respect this group of people with no thought of who is being disrespected. Maybe even inadvertently. No one owns respect. But I do know that it is earned. Know one owns freedom more than anyone else. Know one really get’s it just because. But I believe that some do. To say or be disrespectful to someone who is doing something you deem disrespectful…who owns that? Who owns that contradiction? And what makes you the authority on their cause? I don’t see a lot of understanding here. I see no thought truly given to the topic, just lots of anger the hints true discrimination and dismissal. In my humble opinion.

We will never ever agree on everything. Someone said a while back, “slow down”. Stop, think, what is it that get’s your goat, get’s you fired up that you take a stand for? Dig deep. And why is it that someone else also taking a stand for something that has gotten them fired up, is wrong? Keep in mind, what is right for you might not be right for me and what is wrong for another may not be wrong for you. That is the world. We are vastly different, with vastly different experiences living in the same space. More or less. And unless someone else’s stand for what they believe is right for them and their family, if it does not physically, economically effect you; with the tables turned would you want them to tell you, you are wrong and how dare you?

Don’t know who said this, “Don’t you dare shrink yourself for someone else comfort. Do not become small for people who refuse to grow.” We unfortunately are not living in comfortable times. But we all hold the heart and potential to minimize that discomfort if we stop, slow down, listen and consider another with an open heart. Yes, don’t shrink. But don’t expect anyone else too and don’t be small.