Aug 31 2020

Racism

When I think about what I know about racism, I know that I have a lot to learn. I have only hit the surface, the top of the iceberg. But I am trying. I realized that I am far from understanding the depth and breadth of this insidious ideology. I do know that when I read or see what today I know to be racist, my heart stops, and my shoulders drop. More often than not, tears come to my eyes from that lump in my throat that pushes it’s way out. How to I make it stop?

I am naive, yet realistic in the fact that this is the largest mountain, obstacle, issue we face as a nation. I don’t think it’s because there are more racists than not. It’s that idea of our ability to become anti racists and stop every action we see and hear no matter how small or large.

It is many things. It comes in word. It comes in song. I comes in spray paint on a wall, or a billboard. It comes in a statue that was set to honor someone who demoralized and dehumanized other human beings. That in and of itself can come in many forms. Mental and physical. Through the abuse of ownership and belittling. Oppression and suppression, taking away the ability for another human to do more than they did yesterday. Or even in their lifetime.

I do have a lot to learn. However, I know this much is true, the more I read and listen to black voices, the more angry I get. The more exhausted I feel. And that’s not just me describing my feeling, yes I feel it, but the anger and the exhaustion that I am feeling is what I hear in those voices. The pure exhaustion of BIPOC just trying to leave the house, drive a car, go to the park, on their sofa watching TV, in their bed sleeping peacefully, get the job they are more than qualified for, being heard in a meeting and then not getting credited for what they have just said. Raising their hands, getting handcuffed and still killed. The pure exhaustion of even trying to act like it’s not there, that it’s not real, that some behind there smiles are ready to cut them back and put them in their place. Imagine you had to exist every day with the straight up aggression of someone questioning you doing something in your own damn front yard or a micro-aggression done with a smile. I can’t even imagine either or which is worse.

We have troubling laws and policies that support this insidious behavior. Yes, laws that make much of this not even an offense, but ok. This is NOT OK! And we have some law enforcement that are color blind and only see black and see their only action is, to put them in their place. This is not who any of us should be, but I fear who we are. Because if we don’t stop it, what are we?

People are in the streets. As they should be. Honestly, if you really look back at history and not the “history” in the history books, but true, actual history. None of us would be where we are today if someone didn’t go into the streets and say, this is wrong. And I honestly don’t think some of us get that. I also honestly believe that some don’t get that those people in the streets are protecting us all from what this administration is trying to strip from us every day. The very thing that men and women volunteer to fight for us every day.

People are breaking windows and steeling things. Stealing “THINGS”! Things that these very large companies have insurance for and will loose nothing in the grand scheme of things. The loss is infinitesimal to the loss of life. Do you not agree? How about we get as outraged about someone who was killed for no reason and stop worrying about who got away with a material object. What is our fascination and allegiance with objects and not people? When did a shoe, a tv, a handbag, or a phone become more important than a human life?

I have no answers. My heart aches every day as I listen and hear black voices asking to just be treated equally and not seen as the enemy. To be considered human.

I have more listening to do.


Aug 15 2020

Division

Division. Could it be in our DNA? Biological? Or of our soul?

Each and everyone of us are on a path. A journey of this life, here on this earth. I believe that there are many paths and many levels. We are all born on a date and progress year by year, each year adding one number. I will be 60 in November. I also believe I have a soul age. A soul that is not here on this earth for the first time. That I have brought with me to this life, lives before where lessons were learned or unlearned and now I work through both to leave this earth with a better understanding of myself and humanity. A better understanding of humanity to take with me to my next life, lessons learned and unlearned.

In many ways while almost entering may 60th year, I do wonder truly how old my soul is. If you will allow me, for some this will feel like a judgement or even a stretch, I think my souls journey puts me maybe in my early 30’s. As I sit with this, think about this, read others who think like this, I am closer to a more wholistic and harmonious understanding of humanity because of the journey my soul has been on.

Warrior, Freedom Fighter, wife, husband, sister, brother, all that I bring with me here has been a lesson to assist me in the navigation of this wide and complex universe.

This, in my opinion if our divide. I have jokingly in the past been known to say, “are you new?” or “are they new?”. When I say this, it is from my observation as to how one may handle a situation or encounter. So while my great friend who is approaching the birth year of say 45, they may only have a soul that is 5, or 12 … or 16. So a less mature heart or soul if you will. One who sees or takes in some information with a much younger soul approach.

In Michael Newton’s book Journey of Souls: Case Studies of the Life Between Lives, he says; “THERE are two types of beginner souls: souls who are truly young in terms of exposure to an existence out of the spirit world, and souls who have been reincarnating on Earth for a long period of relative time, but still remain immature. I find beginner souls of both types in Levels I and II.”

Think about how those around you react or act in certain interactions. Are they reasonable, reasoning responsive adults as we my frame it or are they a petulant reactionary child wanting everyone to see things there way are as they believe them to be right. And then when they catch opposition, storm out of the room?

Granted opposition these days can and is very cruel and hurtful. I’ve seen a lot of if unacceptable and unnecessary. Not an opposition the breads positive growth or positive, reasonable adult conversation to move us forward. A certain level of indignation has been leased and there is no stopping it.

I try to protect my heart, eye’s and ears from the harm that happens today, yesterday and will what most certainly happen tomorrow. But I can’t stay or be blind to the shift in the care that we hold for those we know or those around us. Sometimes I see or read something and I am gobsmacked and honestly at a complete loss for words. Anger is real and I think we all know, not a path to change that will be productive or even promote a growth of heart we are all worthy of. I say or ask, look at your anger. Where is it truly coming from? Where are you honestly going to put it. Is it fear? Are you loosing your place? Are you not ready for the world as it truly is and should be?

Most days in my mind the division is untenable because we refuse to listen to understand. We speak to change a mind, change a heart, move someone to our way of thinking or believing. That my way or the highway. And now, some of us are just taking to that highway making to effort to understand. We all have to pick out battles, but which ones will feed not only our soul, but the soul of every brother, sister, cousin, every being in existence. If you deserve a certain amount of freedom, justice or value, why do you disapprove of some who only want that as well. Nothing more, nothing less.


I realized that with my truths and my beliefs they are diametrically opposed to those of others who I am friends with and in some cases have deep history with. Some I spent many a Sunday in class and in the balcony listening to the sermon. History of respect, admiration and even in the past a longing to be more like this person or that person. Be like them for many reasons, intelligence, knowledge, family, adventure and in the past material possessions. All of those have now washed away.

Some I have believed carry the care and compassion for others that now seems, feels to be askew. I’ll call it what it feels like to me, their intolerance for those who are different from them in thought, deed and action. No regard for the plight of the other, their experience or their life and the struggles there. No recognition or acknowledgment of how that difference is oppression. And how as much as they loath to admit it so deeply oppressive that the only thing to call it is racism.

We can change. We can shift. We can collectively embrace communities that only want to be part of the system, part of the conversation and not fear in some cases to just leave their house. Until they say it, until they feel it, until it is real, for me it will remain and i will continue to support Black Lives Matter.


Aug 15 2020

I am a Racist

I am a racist.  (Facebook post 8.12.2020)

I believe this is the only way to move forward. And this is where I get in trouble, some of you are too. 

For almost 60 years I’ve carried with me unconsciously and I hope now consciously a bias of white privilege. Stay with me if you will or go ahead and unfriend. I’ve been unfriended for lesser statements.  

“Denial is the heartbeat of racism” Ibram X. Kendi

If you are white and you say that you are not a racist, I feel that is not a whole truth. We need to listen more, read a more, take it all in. And hear what is being said. The good, bad, and the ugly. I have some bad news for us, we are racists. But. But…I know, I know. We are. But we can turn that into becoming an antiracist and fight for true equality, democracy, justice, and that ‘there is nothing right or wrong with any racial group’(IXK). This does not happen overnight.

“Being an antiracist requires persistent self-awareness, constant self-criticism, and regular self-examination.” Ibram X. Kendi

Deep in my heart, I am making every effort to stop this insidious disease. Yes, I believe it is a disease. An odd one that is taught and unconsciously perpetuated. Even sometimes consciously taught. I will own it and continue my pledge to do everything in my power to become an antiracist, personally and professionally. I will also become more aware of and engaged politically, locally, and nationally to ensure that racist laws and policies are eradicated.

I will work to consciously, instead of unconsciously work for instead of against our brothers, sisters, and cousins. Not just personally but institutionally to eradicate all laws, rules and policy that disenfranchise BIPOC.

With the murder of George Floyd the spotlight on racism and division has intensified. Who might be responsible for that? Guess what, it is our responsibility. Ours alone, yours and mine, it belongs to no one else. Not ANY politician, it is US. If we accept what we think a leader does or tells us as truth or if we believe a meme we see someone post that speaks of division, you are playing into their hand. We, you, me, that person sitting next to you, we are the ones that are responsible for letting this terrible thing happen. My Mom always said, others don’t make you feel this or that, you let them. Passing blame is lazy and unbecoming someone who claims to be a loving caring human of other humans. Do not claim to be about love or acceptance then spread hate from or about anyone.
 
DO SOMETHING.  
SAY SOMETHING
DO NOT ACCEPT HATE. PERIOD
BE THE DIFFERENCE
#BELOVE
#BLACKLIVESMATTER 

If you got this far, thank you. I will be away from here for the rest of the week, maybe longer. Some days my heart can’t take what I see and read here. So I am not ignoring anyone who comments. Although I don’t expect any. I don’t expect much other than maybe some ‘unfriending”.  


Apr 16 2020

Why the hell questions (& Masks)

A friend posted something on Facebook that has had me thinking. Well, that’s a given. It was a copy an paste with a few statements that had no facts to back up what was being said, however gathered great support. She stated that it wasn’t a political post which to me is a signal that while it seemed rather political, I will honor her intent and respond this way. Not that I’m any kind of expert but to maybe if seen might gather more thought than just a quick, I agree! I think sometimes we all agree too soon because of our individual hopes of a reality that can’t be realized.

This was the first part:(abbreviated, edited for purpose)

I’M NOT POSTING THIS FOR DEBATE. IF YOU DON’T AGREE UNFRIEND ME AND SAVE US BOTH ANYMORE WASTED TIME. Just please consider this…when you think the President is a jerk…
The bottom line has been that Trump IS a jerk. He’s crude, he bloviates, he gets his feelings hurt and he’s a hot head. And he should stay off Twitter.
Let me tell you what else he is. He is a guy that demands performance. He is a guy that asks lots of questions. The questions he asks aren’t cloaked in fancy phrases, they are “why the hell….” questions.
For decades the health industry has thrown away billions of face masks after one use. Trump asks, “Why the hell are we throwing them away? Why not sterilize them and use them numerous times?”
(cause hospitals LOVE to waste money. No!)

I will always be the first person to say that there are no dumb questions. And we should all ask “why” more. Five times I think is what they say. So about 50 – 100 questions should be asked about the content of that post.

Questions asked with no answers then dispersed through to the masses I feel leave open even more questions and the idea or thought that these questions have easy answers and so we move on.

With that in mind, with a little bit of thought and care these can all be answered. Some of the answers for the other statements will surprise some of us. I’ll leave the bulk of them for you to check on for yourself if you see this and know what I’m talking about. I can find the rest of the answers to what was in that post, but you’ll say my finding are biased. Even though I use the whole of the Google and not just a couple of sources.

Masks “Why the hell are we throwing them away? Why not sterilize them and use them numerous times?”

Now, I know nothing! But I’d like to share something about PPE, masks and reuse that I’ve found. I could ask the Nurse Managers I work with, but they are busy. I could ask my friend who is a Doctor where I work. She is busy to. This question can be answered, but I don’t think with just one easy answer like, “Ok, you’re right! Let’s sterilize and reuse hospital PPE!”. No. It’s not extremely complicated, but can’t be answered with a quick short answer. It involves too many individual products with a range of materials. Which that in itself should form some sort of answer as to maybe why not, even with out the Google. Just like the other questions include and involve too many layers of reality to answer with one simple response.

I work for a large top hospital and university in Oregon. This is part of a communication put out to our community today. Read through this and you tell me, can masks be reused? Which ones?

* PPE Classified as Green: Will be used according to factory standards in accordance with CDC recommendations. We remains committed to the highest levels of patient and staff safety for the duration of the pandemic.
* N-95 and PPE Reuse: we encourages every RN who is not trained or competent at reusing any form of supply to not reuse the PPE. Nurses who believe their PPE is contaminated must dispose of and attain new PPE to ensure maximum nurse and patient safety.
* PPE Classification System: we agreed to request whether further discernment and/or understanding regarding the “yellow” category (> 1 week, <30 days) could be provided. We are still seeking to follow up on this. * Accessible PPE on Every Unit: Both RNs and management agree that PPE should be in designated areas that is easily accessible and immediately available on every unit during every shift. This specifically includes sufficient PPE on each unit’s Code Cart. If this practice is not occurring on your unit, please reach out to your Nurse Manager, Assistant Nurse Manager, Specialty Practice Leader, or UBNPC member and have this addressed expediently.
* Hospital-grade Issued PPE is Required: Currently, we are confident there is enough PPE for every hospital employee to provide health care safely. There is agreement that as necessary, decisions will be made about the use of personal PPE.

So. Which ones are you willing to have your Doctor or Nurse have on when they come to see you at your next visit or god forbid a hospital stay. And do you hope they are either new or very clean after a sterilization. Think about your reuse of materials and how they diminish or their effectiveness drops.

Whether anyone likes the CDC or any other agency that set regulations for things people use, I don’t believe that any of those regulations are done willy-nilly and for no reason. And I for one appreciate someone thinking about my safety without even knowing me or knowing if I will ever be in a situation where someone has on contaminated PPE while helping me with an illness or a surgery. Think about it, of all places to take the most precaution. No question in my mind.

Be Safe
Be Healthy
Be of Ease


Mar 31 2020

Idiot

I rarely used this word when speaking of another and have banned it from my vocabulary. A ban I some days feel one difficult to maintain. Although my Mother always told me, if you thought it, you might as well have said it. So, busted. Let me say this.

I see a lot of people use this word when they make statements about people or comment on a post. Very often, I stop and think, they are probably right. Or I absolutely agree. Albeit not a shining moment for the one who called it. Or even maybe?

Here’s the thing, 99.99999% of the time it is true. Ok, I’ll give, 89.9999% of the time. I see lots of people out there who agree with me. So I’m not an island or in a silo. But the statement almost always stands on its own as idiotic and almost always lacks any factual content. None. Also not much to be found on the internets to support the argument to be anything but ignorant or idiotic. And I’ve tried, I use the Google, I try to think that the best of intentions are first thought. Alas, most often it doesn’t feel like the best of intentions.

Our uncharted waters get more dangerous every day. So. Be an adult. Don’t call other people names that you don’t know cause their comment made you mad. Or because you disagree. Cause then some will think you, well you know.

Just because some of our leaders choose to be petty and childish about their advisories, I think it would be amazing if the rest of us just walked away from that. Stopped giving it any attention. You know that old saying any attention is good attention. We have to shift the wake. Call furniture and inanimate objects names or take up boxing or quiet mediation. Or better yet gather a factual argument with verifiable references (that’s more than one) to respond minus the idiot claim. Again, let that stand on its own. And if one side of the opinion is more weighted with facts, maybe give it some consideration. Or go out and try that Google thing to fill your bucket.

Every election here in Oregon a booklet is sent out. In the booklet is everything that is to be voted on, a summary and an explanation. It also includes for and against statements from associations, unions, businesses, and individuals. I read these and know by who I support that if they are for or against I usually am as well. And here is the thing. Sometimes there will be MANY for and no one against or visa versa. Or maybe just one. So who did their homework here? Or maybe if there are, for example, 20 for and 2 against, who are those two and what is their purpose or agenda?

Just because your favorite news channel says “a, b, c and d” and every other news channel says the opposite or includes the entire alphabet(the whole story in context) there might be something there. They are after all the ones that have and can get access to WAY more information than most of us will ever see.

In college, classmates and I did internships at various televisions stations during the Gulf War. We would sit after class or in the studio at night and some would share bits and pieces of what they had seen come across the wire and compare it to what was actually airing on the news. Guess what, not the whole story. This was an eye-opener and a bit gut-wrenching. And sometimes telling the whole story would not have made the difference and would have been sensationalism. We all know we all love that. Look elsewhere to see what else is being reported about this thing you find maddening or even that makes you happy. The opposite may in fact be the truth.

News fitting into what you “believe” to be right may be and is possibly absolutely the wrong thing for the collective. For me, what I “believe” really doesn’t matter. How are we going to move forward with the least amount of harm and disruption to EVERYONE? Not just my circle. Not just those who believe like me. Even those we think are well, idiots.

If you hear something on the news and you can’t confirm the facts via any other news source or a reputable source that is a news source, hear the entire story from a qualified source on the subject, or you find five that counter your belief. I’m sorry you are being lied to for no other reason than to support someone’s agenda that probably doesn’t include you. Even if you think it does. I like those articles that have lots of links to other articles. Articles by individuals who do the work to tell the whole story. Not just what they want you do believe.

We are all in this together. We have to find a way to settle in. Not settle, but settle in with the beauty of our difference. And see the valuable contribution of every single one, every single contradiction and every single human being, period. Settle into an embrace for the good of all, peace and a future together moving forward. Cause guess what, we are here. We are together.

Pay attention. Read. Stay home. And listen to the officials, scientists and doctors in your community, not the ones who fear losing an election and may not be telling you the whole story for their own benefit. But from those who’s only fear is losing you, your family and your community.

Try to stay soft.


Jul 17 2019

EEOC, ever heard of it?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” ~ Maya Angelo

Some, or maybe just me see some things as simple basic tenants of decency. How you treat others. How you speak to others and how you speak of others. Simple right? Maybe not.

Have you heard about this EEOC? Interestingly enough it’s a government agency that sets, laws, regulations and guidance on employment discrimination. I think most people know about this or some form of it. Not just me and my colleagues who work close to or within human resources at companies, or the business we run that these rules and regulations are set for. Feels ironic to write that, considering.

Just in case, here is part of their overview.

“The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is responsible for enforcing federal laws that make it illegal to discriminate against a job applicant or an employee because of the person’s race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy, gender identity, and sexual orientation), national origin, age (40 or older), disability or genetic information. It is also illegal to discriminate against a person because the person complained about discrimination, filed a charge of discrimination, or participated in an employment discrimination investigation or lawsuit.

Most employers with at least 15 employees are covered by EEOC laws (20 employees in age discrimination cases). Most labor unions and employment agencies are also covered.

The laws apply to all types of work situations, including hiring, firing, promotions, harassment, training, wages, and benefits.”

Now since this website ends with .gov, I’m going to assume that it is the government who is setting these laws and regulations. But then you know what happens when you assume. I will say this, that it has and is part of my everyday life because of my profession. I have to know and understand what it all means and do things to ensure that I and the company I work for are compliant. Sometimes it’s a pain, but it is there to protect all of us, not just a few of us. That’s something that I feel often gets lost. I think that the possibility for the table to turn and those who feel they are safe because of who they “are” may one day find themselves on the other side to the table.

I find it even more interesting that some can do or say some things that I would be immediately fired for, yet still have their job just because of their position.

There’s age, disability, equal compensation, genetic information, harassment, national origin, pregnancy, race/color, wait let’s take a look at that one, national origin discrimination. What might that mean? Do this for me, stop reading for a few minutes and come up with a few things that you think that might mean.

Go ahead … I’ll wait.

Ok, so rather than try to re-word it and potentially be accused of interpretation or skewed perception, I’m just going to copy and paste right from the National Origin Discrimination page on eeoc.gov.

“National origin discrimination involves treating people (applicants or employees) unfavorably because they are from a particular country or part of the world, because of ethnicity or accent, or because they appear to be of a certain ethnic background (even if they are not).

National origin discrimination also can involve treating people unfavorably because they are married to (or associated with) a person of a certain national origin.
Discrimination can occur when the victim and the person who inflicted the discrimination are the same national origin.”

National Origin & Harassment
“It is unlawful to harass a person because of his or her national origin. Harassment can include, for example, offensive or derogatory remarks about a person’s national origin, accent or ethnicity. Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.”

So let’s look at this; “Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment…”

Yes it says “doesn’t prohibit”, but then it goes on to say, “it is illegal when it is so frequent or severe it creates…

So. Here is one part that this(our) government agency works to ensure people have protection.

Yet … “go back where you came from”

I believe that clearly, the president has crossed this line more than once. If he worked ANYWHERE else, termination would be swift and more than necessary. Office or position give no one license to abuse or harass another human with out consequences.

Yet … “why are we having all these people from shithole countries here”

If you in anyway think or feel this is ok, then I am lost. Your being okay with any amount of this is lost on me and no amount of anything will sway me from the opinion that this man is not suitable to be President of the United States. This office is to be held in high esteem and should hold the utmost respect.

Yet … Latina Miss Universe, “Miss Housekeeping”
Yet … “Pocahontas”
Yet … “these aren’t people, these are animals”
Yet … yet, yet.

We have an amoral, disrespectful, brash, vulgar person placed in the most respected office in the country by the Electoral College. An individual, that must be voted out, impeached, censured, something, anything before he completely breaks us all.

I was raised in an environment where respect is earned, not given because of status or position. I have none for this man. I will allow him no more space in my head.

And so we are clear, NOT MY PRESIDENT.

Never has been, never will be. Period.


Jan 29 2019

Kids

Are kids just kids? Or does their political tendencies allow some to be kids who need protected and others reviled?

So someone on FB was completely outraged at the mistreatment of the Covington KY boys. OUTRAGED! They posted a rant about how their parents should sue everyone who threatened them.

Yikes! Oh, inserted and copied without permission.

I get kind of mad when adults threaten kids too. I’ve always said, kids are off limits. Unless they are adults and take on official government responsibility then all bets are off. But are all kids, kids? Or just a certain few?

I thought about it for a day or so then asked;

Are these kids different, should have more protection, and get this level of outrage from consequences of actions than say, kids who survived a mass shooting, lost friends, got death treats and were called “crisis actors” while trying to maybe make a difference in something they believed in? They were/are all kids, right? Not a certain kind of kid, just kids. Right? They ALL, right, left, middle, center, need to be listened to and heard.

I’m still waiting to hear the difference.

If only we could monetize hypocrisy. We could pay back all the federal workers who didn’t get paid during the shutdown and probably pay for their kids to go to college.


Jan 26 2019

Selective Indignation

I’ve had those two words running around in my head for a few weeks.

It feels like our current state of “affairs” are beyond the pale. In some instances maybe even insurmountable in terms of feeling that there is any resolution or solution to an end result that doesn’t harm or disenfranchise someone. Anyone.

I get it. There is a ton of crap to take in these days. It’s hard to know where to go and how to know where to go to be of value for an end result that supports all inclusively.

Shutdown, walls, immigration, taxes, conspiracy, collusion, no collusion, corruption, protests, stand-offs, anger, hatred, finger pointing, accusations, innuendo, assumptions, perception, no facts, alternate facts, health care, choice, freedom, inclusivity, care understanding, openness, compassion, fairness, love … just love.

After having these two words roll around in my head for a week or two I saw a post on Facebook. Someone was voicing their anger, their outrage in the treatment of boys from Covington Kentucky and their encounter with other at the Lincoln Memorial on January 18th. And I wondered where was the outrage and anger of how some in society treated the students of Marjorie Stoneman High School. Double standard? Hypocrisy? (I’ll come back when I get the answer to the question.)

Our arch of purpose is bent. It feels to be bending toward a divide so deep that the gap of separation feels un-mendable. There is no middle ground. There is no thought that there could be a middle ground. Devoid of that space today seems foreign and not natural.

But is it natural? Are we exactly who we all appear to be? That this is “who” we are. That we are no different than we have ever been, some of us now feel safe in voicing what feels like counter culture. Counter intuitive to a life lived with the best of intentions. A life that if there is a heaven, entrance at the Pearly Gate is unencumbered and wide open, all are welcome. Or are they? Imagine if it were a wall. Or you had to sit and wait in a box or cage until it was your time to explain or review the things you did in your life to pass. Or maybe it is just like that nice moving with Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks, Defending your Life.

These things that are happening to cause us to say these short loaded statements, “we are better than this”, “who have we become?”, did not start, did not just happen or materialize one night, one day or even after one election. But the shine is off.

I’m not sociologist or psychologist but will say this, while my opinion of course, I am not alone in this. It has always been there, it has always been there and unfortunately it is who some of us are. It’s who some of us have been for a lifetime. The freedom that some are fighting, is the very freedom that allows us all to decide for ourselves what, in our opinion, is deplorable and what is not depending on our own internal moral compass. Which in my opinion is severely irretrievably askew.

It’s the undercurrent. It’s the idea. It’s the grabbing of attention that someone needs although they don’t understand what it is they actually need. So they seek attention in anyway they can. You know the saying, any attention is good attention. And when you are self-involved or have narcissistic tendencies … your compass has no true north. No truth. No comprehension of consequences. And I will be so bold as to void of morality period.

I feel that when one lacks the level of confidence in who they believe they are, fear steps in and shakes the shit up. Creates the assumptions and lies that feed those fears.

It’s one thing to want to change things. It’s another to change them for a single purpose with no foundation of reality, truth or purpose that protects those things, those truths that we hope to hold self-evident, for all! Not just a select few.

Selective indignation. It is rich with hypocrisy. We all have our limits. We all have our causes. What some dig up, in my opinion, in the grand scheme of things are small distractions and not the issue. A small selective event that supports their cause, their beliefs. Even if it a fraction of an issue. Or they focus on an object instead of the treatment of people of color. But it supports their indignation of how horrible some are or someone is. Your outrage is lost on me. Focus. What can we, where can we make a difference for the greater good?

But then I guess with those limits we each have to measure how much we take in. How much despicable and deplorable we allow in our view. And if we are, as I am, so overwhelmed with what is going on, what else can one do but worry about the garbage barge* floating in the Hudson River that we, in reality, can do NOTHING about.

*Sex, Lies and Videotape – Ann’s obsession with the world’s garbage is her way of avoiding her personal problem-the fact that she doesn’t enjoy sex with her dashing lawyer husband, John (Peter Gallagher).


Oct 6 2018

Sometimes….

Sometimes after I’ve read someone’s Facebook post, I want to reply. But I don’t. Mostly because I know or feel I know what the response will be because of what they posted and have posted. And usually, my heart will ache with the first thing I read, so hearing more of the same can’t help.

So I write. I hide behind Notes or put it here. I’m pretty sure not even my Mom comes here anymore because of lack of content. 🙂

It kind of feels safe. And it allows me to explore, vent, rant, sort or whatever you want to call it.

Often my thoughts, my words are scrambled and I try to unscramble them. Not always successful.

People keep using, or I keep seeing this word tolerant or tolerance. I even struggled through a post a week or so back about tolerance or intolerance.

Here is a scramble;

Can you point a finger at intolerance while being intolerant?

Can you be tolerant while complaining about intolerance?

When you call out intolerance are you being tolerant or intolerant?

You’re either tolerant or you are not. Can be both, period.

Can you claim you are tolerant while complaining about intolerance?

I wanted to say, or ask.

I think our understanding of tolerance is askew. Are you truly tolerant of my stance on my opinion that 1) our current President due to character and demeanor is not fit for the office? Are you tolerant of my opinion that 2) Kavanaugh despite the recent allegations and his demeanor, due to the fact that he has lied under oath in the past and had to bring the Clintons up, is not fit for the highest court in the land? (Seriously?!) Are you tolerant of my opinion that 3) the self-righteous indignation of Grassley and Graham are out of bounds and a reach outside of reality and are the definition of hypocrisy? Are you tolerant of 4) my opinion that a woman should be able to have control over what does or doesn’t happen to her body? Are you tolerant of 5) my opinion that what has happened to Dr. Ford is a travesty and I now have a shorter list of women I believe I would feel comfortable with going to if this happened to me?

I didn’t reply. I know what the answer would be. It feels blind faith for the wrong reason has taken over. The single issue voter, the single issue supporter. That’s what if feels like to me.

I have my set of beliefs as do you as does every single human on this planet.

Again, I believe that a man to be appointed to a lifetime seat who has, lied under oath(before this), brought partisanship into his rebuttal and displayed a temperament unbecoming the honor of that seat, should not be appointed. After his presentation, I wouldn’t hire him for anything.

Are you ok with my opinion and are you tolerant of it?

So I guess I’m a bit intolerant of you. Because for the life of me can’t sort out yours. I tolerate a lot every day. But I know what is in my heart and how it strives to treat all with equality, fairness, kindness and no judgment. And believe me, I understand what I am saying here. I am judging your opinion, belief, but it seems so counter to goodness and kindness and who you say you are.

And maybe I do have a high bar for that for too high. What’s wrong with that? So much of it is so far outside my view of morality and ethical behavior, that I’m beginning to think I’m a conservative. So much of what is happening today, is so counter to how I was raised, in the church and taught by parents to be kind, generous and void of judgment. Treat others as I would like to treated. That seems to have been turned upside down in spades. We are all treating each other like trump treats people.

I believe that trump, morally and ethically, and due to his temperament is not fit for the office. Never have, never will. Even by his own admission and words, he’s not fit.

“I moved on her..”, “I did try to **** her.” “I moved on her like a bitch.” “Just kiss. I don’t even wait.” Good God! Imagine if there had been tapes of Obama saying that!

And let’s not forget that under “allegations” Franken stepped down. Kavanaugh is a lifetime appointment to the highest judicial seat in America. Allegations aside, he lied under oath even before his nomination. Really? That’s ok for a Supreme Court Justice?? No.

I will say without hesitation, it is beyond me how any woman or man who cares about their daughter, sister, wife, mother…can be ok with it and support him or any of it. That I am intolerant of because of what it represents.

Am I being intolerant of you because you think he should and those things don’t matter?

I think we are going to have to be intolerant of each other.

But should I have to be tolerant if I feel that he is destroying the foundation and the fabric of our country, one tweet at a time? It feels that you certainly aren’t.

For me, it’s not tolerance or intolerance. It’s what I believe to be deserving of the office, morally, ethically, equally and what serves ALL humankind.

I screen and interview people every day for jobs WAY below these pay grades. I’ve not moved shoe designers and Project Manager forward for less. They would not have been a good move for the team or the company.

I could say the post feels to me that you are intolerant of those who oppose your opinion of the president and this nomination. Why is your way or opinion the right one for all?

Do I tolerate lying? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate racism? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate slander? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate someone verbally abusing another? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate someone physically abusing another? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate inequity? No. Do you?

Do I tolerate intolerant hypocrisy? No. Do you?

In my humble, not the smartest in the room ever opinion, I have to say or ask, if you tolerate any of those, for what? Why?

I am intolerant.

Phew, don’t think any of that makes sense.


Sep 30 2018

heart space

I can’t allow her to have space in my head. But in my heart, I give her space because the memory of her pain from the past is an imprint she can’t reshape or move past. She is caught between the soul journey’s right here on earth. More than a rock and a hard place. She moves a step or two forward, the fear settles in, returns and snaps her back to the wound and she lashes out or covers herself in armor in an attempt to heal and she only deepens it.

“the wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi

For her the light burns, it irritates and is a constant reminder of what she can’t let go. When she knows that is what will allow her to move forward.

It’s because of this that my heart weeps for her and allows that space for comfort, clarity, and safety. Even if indirectly.

It’s most likely that she is unaware. It’s likely that she is self-protecting so much that she can’t imagine that space, imagine it is for her and the space she takes is a shallow replica of what she thinks is her place of peace and harmony.

How would any of us have navigated?

How would any of us survive it? Have we?

How could we not at some level trust him to move through it in his way and to honor that for his sake? To trust him, his heart to move through as he did?

How could we be so selfish to doubt and create or participate in the wake, the wave of emotion that has us where we are today? To project our pain and fear onto another.

We all lost something, but who lost the most should not have been a determent or deterrent to a life of love moving through. Moving forward, not on but simply forward.

I know we did the best we could in the circumstances. If we all had been supportive and inclusive with open arms and true open hearts, would that support have been the fertile soil, the solid foundation to create a space of peace, contentment and unconditional love and a new joy?

We have a great division. A space to find, a separation, loss again and two young souls who lost their blood and two who have lost an example of how a man could and should be in a relationship. One that through all the challenges, brought wholehearted unconditional love to space.

In reality, it’s not or won’t be a huge split or division. But for the two youngest the impact is yet fully revealed from the first loss and now this one. How do we support that? How do we apologize for this one? Or even help explain it?

How do we own our contribution to the result of today? How will we answer these questions?

I don’t know the answer. I don’t have the answers. I have skin in the game as well. You don’t have to agree with me on any of this, but this is where I am and have been. It’s not been easy, but it is where I am and where I need to be.

Pain – we didn’t allow for collective grief. We tip-toed around some and not around others. For the most part, some of us kept it to ourselves or used it as a way to hide and lash out. We thought no one feels as I do. And that may have been true, but together couldn’t we have worked through it with love, understanding, and compassion together?

Of course, anger is part of grief. But I feel that in some instances was misplaced and placed where it had no business being placed. On innocent bystanders just trying to move through it as well. I truly believe that it would, has not made any of us feel better.

She is lost like many of us are. Maybe her wounds are deep maybe not. But we can’t expect her to deal with them in any other way than how she does. She does not understand this for herself or for others, yet. She will be harder on herself in some instances and her reaction to others will be in defense and with intensity because it’s all she’s known.

She is a young soul, so is either a child or probably a rebellious teenager. She doesn’t have the confidence to seek out teachers who will feed her completely. Here she is cautious and sells herself short. Even the ones she has, or I think she has are kept to a certain distance, mentally and physically. And limits or shy’s away from the true teachers right before her. This allows her to manage and not overwhelm herself with lessons and challenges she believes she is not ready for or has already learned. Lessons are never really learned, they evolve. And sometimes it is not your lesson that is being presented it is the lesson of another. But the ego steps in and we think it is about us. She thinks it is about her. She can’t see through the pain of the wound. It is all about her. She can’t settle into, this isn’t about me, it’s about the other and how they get through on their journey coming through it with them with love and compassion.

Her fear in true growth mirrors the youth of her soul. My heart opens for this. It opens wide, maybe too wide. It weeps for her because I think I have seen the potential, the openness that she shelters. But it is short-lived and fleeting.

I can’t allow space for her in my head because that emotion is too harsh and unforgiving and not who I want to be. I can’t let it run there and complicate my process, my space.

I honor her presence, the lessons she delivers and hope that her journey through from here forward strengthens and brings her the potential that is within her with an open heart that will allow her to peacefully embrace the goodness along with the bad with gratitude and acceptance.

State of Grace? Is it Grace? I’m not sure actually but that word is in my head.

What my teachings have taught me and what I know for sure is that we all have within us and hold basic goodness.

I can’t know her truth. I can only know and try to understand my own. My truth about her could be diametrically opposed,180° in the opposite direction. But I feel I must overlook the discomfort that I might feel and open my heart to hers. I do feel it to be different and more adverse than my pain.

That said I feel she is searching and she doesn’t yet quite have the tools or the understanding for the confidence to take the tools before her and use them for growth and openness.

I can’t imagine that it would easy to be vulnerable and open-hearted in a situation wherein the past you felt that people were taking advantage of you, where your vulnerability felt to be your weakness instead of your strength.

I’m not saying she gets a pass, I’m not saying that any of us get a pass for her pain and our grief but when any of us project that onto another and we don’t remain responsible and accountable to it and how it affects those around us we can’t really expect anyone else to get through it unscathed.

Within each of us is a goodness that some of us have not even yet realized yet it is there. Her included. Like all of us, I believe she sees glimpses of it and yet maybe it scars her? Maybe her fear, her wound is still too raw to take comfort in what it holds for her. As long as she lets that be in the forefront, she will continue to project. That projection will fall on others who will not know how to understand that and put up their walls, their defenses. The cycle circles and circles and circles and we all miss out on the joy and love that is ours to behold.

It’s interesting what comes into view as you work through something new or a new version of something old.

“if you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”

“stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions”
~ Donna Pisani

“when you proactively share your desire to heal, the Universe picks up your desire and guides you every step of the way”
~ Gabby Bernstein

Even more, what a week!

“In the Bible, Thomas says he will not believe what Jesus has survived unless he can stick his hand into the wounds. But this is not a reasonable thing to ask of someone who is not God, to stick your hand into their wound. I am tired of watching people become wounds. Half the Internet is a wound. Have you stuck your hand in it enough? Do you believe yet? The #MeToo movement lurches forward over a path of scars. The change is so slow and the sacrifice it demands so great.” ~Alexandra Petri, Washington Post

Facebook memories;
One year ago – “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals. Only when you know your own darkness well can you be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity” ~Pema Chödrön

“If you have rage and righteously act it out and blame it all on others, it’s really you who suffers. The other people and the environment suffer also, but you suffer more because you’re being eaten up inside with rage, causing you to hate yourself more and more. ~Pema Chödrön

Six years ago – “The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ― Pema Chödrön

September 30th, what is it about this day? Interesting what the universe brings when it brings.